The Nurture Assumption

[intellectualammo]

The Nurture Assumption by Judith Rich Harris, has anyone read it? I am interested in the rols parents play in a child's development, and apparently there's a trend of overparenting out there. I read writers, like Sylvia Plath and her Electra Complex, and wonder how? I mean, in my life, it was way better with no parents around. I went straight to my room when I came home from compulsory schooling, and any prying was met with frustration and further isolating myself. I just wanted to be alone. So in my case, the less the parents did, perhaps only providing the absolute basics, like food shelter, clothes, those kinds of things, was all I realy needed, and if I was allowed to do the things I wanted too, things'd be different now, but anyways, seeing how I wasn't allowed to go out into the world because of laws, to work and provide for myself at a young age, but am forced to attend or have some sort of an education. Anyways, I just don't understand the relationships between parents and children and siblings and just family in general very well, other than "leave me alone to do what I want." So upon looking around tonight since I have extra time, I came upon this work, and it's interesting, because of it's position of how small a role parent play in the lives of their child's personality, but peers play the larger role, which is shown by research or something in the book. Parenting is a tough subject for me, I was super protective of my daughter, I realized that perhaps the way I was going about things, was partially wrong. So anyone read it?

Anyone care to comment on how impactive, influential, important or devastating the role of parents, family have on you in your life? your peers? Thought it'd be an interesting thing to bring up. When I see people in waiting rooms at the hospital, either waiting for a patient to pull through, or slip away - I think of families and the inter relationships in them, and having been on my own for so long, I find it even more foreign than I did before. The crying and tears I see, the bereavement carts we make for families -

I figure as a father I'd provide financially and so forth, then instead of obsessing over say germs, like some of these overparenting people do nowadays, I did with education. Maybe I was overparenting, overprotective of my childs mind, like said ones are with the germs. Let me provide an article I found this book in and some quotes:

, as parents now attempt to create an artificially germ-free childhood. Not only do they avoid exposing their kids to sick people, they surround their children with antibacterial soaps and washes. They buy toys and baby gear coated in space-age, microbe-resistant surfaces, and trips to the grocery store require a specially made "shopping cart cover" meant to prevent little Liam or Ava from encountering anyone else's bacteria.

But medical experts are pleading with parents to stop with the anti-germ hysteria because rather than preventing illness in children, it's actually causing it, encouraging the growth of treatment-resistant strains of bacteria, and preventing kids' exposure in the healthy doses required to grow a strong immune system.

Yep, that's right, it turns out that regular, old, everyday germs are good for kids. So is regular,When parents micromanage children's lives, everyone loses. old dirt, disappointment, boredom, frustration, conflict, and the occasional playground accident. All of these help children to develop their own coping skills, creative and spiritual core, and sense of self.

When parents micromanage children's lives, overly investing themselves in their kids, everyone loses. Mothers and fathers lose themselves in their roles as parents, while kids never find themselves.

So here's my unsolicited advice to parents: take a step back. Relax. Enjoy. Your baby will sleep without an expert consultant coming to your house. Your toddler will eventually leave diapers behind. I promise. The Graco stroller won't mark your child — or you — as a loser.

Let your preschooler play in the dirt, and your kindergartener deal with the classmate who pinches her.

And for God's sake, let the baby figure the spoon out for herself.

from http://www.babble.com/content/articl...sis/index.aspx

edit to add - Looking at some more things on the internet found this:

You really want your children to succeed? Learn when to leave them alone. When you lighten up, they'll fly higher. We're often the ones who hold them down.

Read more: http://www.time.com/time/nation/arti...#ixzz0eEsN6Cv0

[Winifred]

The germ thing I remain on top of - no antibacterial soaps here, they are bad for us and the environment!

What's hard for me is to let Gizmo fail and learn the hard way. However, I'm bad about power struggles, and, since he avoids my golden words of wisdom, I really need to step back sometimes and just let him flop. It's especially hard, since, oddly enough, some of his bad traits seem v-e-r-y familiar. Procrastination comes to mind. Every weekend, lately. Sigh.

It's a good thing we can still meet amicably over books, philosophy and movies!

[intellectualammo]

What's hard for me is to let Gizmo fail and learn the hard way.

It was hard for me to let my daughter grow up (with what I had thought at the time) was the epistemologically and pedagogically incorrect way, but I have no say in it NOW, because of the way I had gone about it the first time. But she's fine and can contact me if she would ever need her father.

So, at the end of the last article I posted:

D.H. Lawrence offered back in 1918: "How to begin to educate a child. First rule: leave him alone. Second rule: leave him alone. Third rule: leave him alone. That is the whole beginning."

[margaine]

I think parents should find some kind of happy medium between controlling their children's lives and simply letting them do whatever they want. I have experienced both (in one case from the same parent), and both can really really suck.

When I was a kid, one parent overly erred on the side of caution sometimes, to the point where I was prevented from spending time with the other kids in my class because of certain things I wasn't allowed do. And that really sucks, a lot. I think it kinda really impacted my social existence negatively as a child.

When I was a teenager, another parent (while still being somewhat manipulative and controlling) often left me entirely on my own for extended periods of time. I'm not the kind of kid who was going to be "woohoo my parents are out of town, I'm going to have a party!" Instead I just did whatever I was supposed to be doing. And I guess it was convenient, when I got to college, that I already knew how to take care of myself. Being at college, I was actually less on my own than I was back at home, since I had all of my dorm-mates. Even though I got that preparation, it was really really lonely to be left at home by myself in high school, and I mostly wish it didn't happen nearly as much as it did. I don't think I was really quite ready to live alone for more than a day or two at a time, but I often was alone for much longer than that. That parent and step-parent were really just too wrapped up in their own problems to bother putting much effort into taking care of me, unless there was something particularly that they needed or wanted me to do. And that is just the wrong reason to be left alone. I think being left alone a bit, to learn to figure things out, can be good. But hopefully it wouldn't be because the parents aren't interested in parenting but instead because the parents are interested in parenting and have decided that it would be a good thing to do.

[intellectualammo]

When I was a kid, one parent overly erred on the side of caution sometimes, to the point where I was prevented from spending time with the other kids in my class because of certain things I wasn't allowed do. And that really sucks, a lot. I think it kinda really impacted my social existence negatively as a child.

This happened to me by my mother. She had good intentions I'm sure, but I just wanted to go out. I was so limited I don't think I ever went to birthday parties, and party, only time that was good for me, was when I had gotten a job, the very moment it seemed that I was able to by law, at 16. Then I had the idea to blow off work, walk miles to a friends house, my best friend Jackie's. At the time I pissed my grandfather off, so he no longer drove me the mile to and from work, so I was already walking, just took a cool detour. Where there's a will there's a way.

But my Dad, when I moved in with him, the moment or so it seemed when I turned 18, it was a free for all, for the most part, but I don't and didn't party, just went out as much as I wanted. But I had a car before then, but I'm thinking all that happened nearly around the same time I think. I was a freeman, and left my poor little sister, my cellmate, behind me. She also was my best friend, and it really impacted her when I was gone. I think she liked her brother, but he was too too drunk on freedom and his self-centeredness and first love at the time, to look back.
Being free is all I ever wanted. Less family, not more. The feeling I get when I can't do what I want to, is so horrible, and I focused a lot on it. I was severely depressed when oppressed, that's what it felt like. Now I have total freedom on my own, I want tobe a loner for the rest of my life.

[margaine]

Being free is all I ever wanted. Less family, not more. The feeling I get when I can't do what I want to, is so horrible, and I focused a lot on it. I was severely depressed when oppressed, that's what it felt like. Now I have total freedom on my own, and never ever ever is that ever going to be compromised or ended, unless and until something happens to me. I'm a loner for the rest of my life.

I think the interesting thing is that everybody's different. But it often seems that parenting isn't discussed as though each child might be different and need different parenting. Or is it? I'm not up on the latest trends!

I'm pretty horrified by parents who think it's cool to let their kids do whatever they want and that translates into not caring if their kids turn out to be drinking all the time. Some people need some boundaries, at different periods of time in their development.

Little kids don't know that a stove is hot, and I don't think it's necessary for them to get burned by the stove to learn that. They just simply have no way of conceiving of what is going on with that stove. So they have to be prevented from being near it. And eventually, they will come to understand that the stove is hot even if they've never been burned by a stove, and they won't have to be prevented from being near it anymore. And I think the same can even go for teenagers who don't always understand the stakes or severity of some things.

I never partied, but I still did stuff that was pretty dumb in high school. My friends and I used to wander the streets of Philadelphia at midnight or even later. Philadelphia isn't the safest city, and looking back I think "I can't believe we did that!" We, thankfully, never got mugged or anything, but nonetheless I do now understand more clearly that that was a very stupid thing to do. Kids don't always see clearly because they want to hang out with their friends too much, or whatever it is . . .

[intellectualammo]

I think the interesting thing is that everybody's different. But it often seems that parenting isn't discussed as though each child might be different and need different parenting. Or is it? I'm not up on the latest trends!

It a trend that I think would be better one. Follow the child - that's what they do in Montessori school at first, parents can adapt an approach like that. Some kids are responsible at young ages, and feel babied, others are so irresponsible or do horrible things and need to be watched a lot.

Some people need some boundaries, at different periods of time in their development.

You got it. It takes knowing and obsevring ones child judging their maturity, understanding, responsibility, capabilities, capacity, etc.

[Puglover]

Interesting topic, ammo. My home situation changed a few times growing up. After my parents divorced, I lived with one parent for a few years, and then sought a custody change to live with the other. So, I had a mixed childhood of living in a two-parent home, and then living in two different single-parent homes. With the process of the divorce and the years following, I was really forced to be independent by my circumstances. By the time I started college I was balancing my checking, doing laundry, etc. and soon moved into my own place. But while my experiences led me to be stronger in some ways, I don't exactly want to copy some of the parenting that led to that.

My guy is just a toddler, but thus far my parenting is a bit different from what I experienced. I really have a close bond with my son that I hope lasts as he grows older--esp. when he reaches Gizmo's age, Winifred. I do want him to be independent and strong, but I also want him to have a loving, nurturing environment in his home, too. It's hard, though, to find a good balance.

I definitely see the negative side of the helicopter parents. I can't believe how dependent and helpless some of the students can be when they've had parents who do too much for them.