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Lavender Heart
04-23-2006, 07:36 PM
Hello all!

I am trying out this forum for the first time. My hope is that I will entertain some of you and invite you to share with me your thoughts on my stories and ideas. Below is one of my short stories. I'd love to know what you think?


The Wishing Well
By Lavender Heart

“Closed” the sign said. Charlie gazed at it, shaking his head.

“Think anyone will be interested in buying this place?”, Charlie asked walking into the bar that housed the sign.

“Probably,” the man responded turning his head, “Bars are popular places.”

Charlie watched the man walk toward the fountain. “Ah, there lies the culprit,” he said.

“I’m sorry. What did you say?” the man asked as he started to drain the well.

“The wishing well. They say it determined the fate of this place.” he explained.

“Well that’s ridiculous! How can a gadget be responsible for what happened? The man died.” He responsded shrugging his shoulders.

“That ‘gadget’ my friend, is a symbol of a man’s greed and it has a curious sense of humor,” Charlie said, “People say it let to the closing of this bar.”


”Riiight.” The man smirked and continued to clean out the well.

“Well, let me tell you how and you tell me what you think.” Charlie insisted.

“Pete, who was the owner as you know,” Charlie began, “decided to have that well installed sometime ago,” he continued finding a glass to pour himself a drink, “I remember asking him about it.”


“Hey Pete! Nice fountain!” I said.
“ You like it?” Pete asked, “The ‘Wishing Well’, get it?” He added, laughing.

“Yea, we get it.” I said.

“Thought it would drum up some business,” Pete explained, “Add a little class.”

“What, we’re not classy enough for you?” Dave asked laughing.

“Dave and I use to meet here every Thursday night after work,” Charlie explianed, “We use to kid around about ‘The Well’ never running dry.”

“The well was a quaint little addition, but after the novelty wore off, most people ignored it. Everyone, that is, but Dave.”

“Dave was a superstitious kind of guy. The kind to carry a rabbits’s foot and throw salt over his shoulder. Anyway, he go it in his head that if he tossed some coins into that thing...”, Charlie continued pointing to the foundtain, “he’d get someting more out of life.”

“So he tossed a coin in and asked for $10,000. It was an outrageous amount of money and he kenw that, but he said that while he was wishing, he might as well go big.”

“Of course, he never got the $10.000, but a curious think happend. Dave’s broker called him that following week and told him that his stocks has taken an unexpected dive. He lost quite a bit of money. All together he lost about $10,000.”

“So it was coinsidence.” The man at the bar said, joining Charlie in a drink.

“Yes , it woud seem that way,” Charlie agreed, “but let me go on.”

“That same night, we noticed Pete was in an especially good mood.” Charlie moved on.

“Hey Pete,” I said, “you’re in a good mood. Did you get lucky last night?”

“Nah, can’t say that I did. But things are certainly looking up!” Pete explained,
“Made some good investments that paid off. About $10,000 dollars worth.” Pete
raved.

“That’s great Pete!” Dave said looking over at me.

“Yea Pete, that’s wonderful,” I said, “some guys have all the luck!”

“Dave was determined to experience some good fortune of his own. He thought he could use a new car, so he tossed another coin in the well. That following Thursday, he told me that during a business trip, his car was vandalized and totalled.” Charlie recounted.

“Now, I don’t believe that you can get something for nothing, so I would have quit while I was ahead. Not Dave!”

“He wished for a promotion and was laid off, went to the casino and lost a lot of money, after wishing for a big win, and asked for some insights into the stock market and made some real bad investments.”

“Poor Dave had a miserable time of it,” Charlie added, “He really got himself into debt.”

“Tough luck,” the man said, “But I still don’t see how that has anything to do with this place.”

“Well, what I didn’t tell you,” Charlie continued, “was that ironically Pete’s luck soared. He put money down on some property, bought himself a new car and just about trippled his money on Wall Street.”

“It was as if for every wish that Dave made, Pete won out and Dave got just the opposite.” Charlie speculated.

“Great story!” the man replied, “But I’m still not convinced it had anything to do with the well or Pete. Pete was hit by a druken driver.”

“What happend to your friend?” the man asked.

“Dave?” Charlie asked, “I saw him a few weeks ago and asked him if he was still making wishes,” Charlie reflected. “He told me he had lost faith in that wishing well. Made one last wish and gave up.”

“Oh yeah,” the man said putting the last chair up, “What’d he wish for?”

Charlie put his glass down, smiled at the man and said, “He wished he was dead.”

blp
04-24-2006, 12:11 AM
No time to read now, but perhaps this should really be in the short stories and fan fiction section.

eflo
04-24-2006, 01:59 AM
Thank you for sharing this Lavender Heart. I hope we'll hear more from you...make yourself over the the Introduce Yourself Forum and tell us a little more about yourself, won't you? :)

I enjoyed reading your story. At first, I had to ask myself, "Why killed by a drunk driver?" and not something like cancer or a heart attack...something that Pete would presumably have more control over...or since Dave wanted to die, how come we don't see Pete commit suicide? Then I thought, well, no...I think getting killed by a drunk driver fits very well.

Interesting how our lives are connected in these strange ways...

Thanks again for sharing. I'm not too active in the Personal Works Forums, but I'm contemplating sharing some of my work here, so maybe if I make some friends, people will be nice. ;) Just kidding...there's nothing to worry about...everyone here is super!

Also, I moved this to the "Works In Prose" Forum, as I think blp has a valid point. Thank you. :)

Lavender Heart
04-24-2006, 02:55 AM
Thanks so much guys! It was my first attempt and wasn't sure where I should post. I appreciate the direction.

I will most definitely go over to the intro section and "introduce" myself. I look forward to getting to know all and welcome all constructive critisism and pointers. It has been a while since I have "picked up the pen" to write.

Star_Anise
04-24-2006, 12:50 PM
Welcome to the Personal Works forum, Lavender. New work is always welcome.

I like the twist at the end of this one - and I think death by drunk driver makes perfect sense.

There are some typos, spelling mistakes and some grammar issues, and I might suggest you try to avoid a few types of expression that you favour a little too much - you often use the formula of who said what, followed by their action. Other than that, quite a solid piece.

Lavender Heart
04-24-2006, 08:42 PM
Hola Star,

Thanks for the pointers. This is exactly what I need. You mention that I use expressions that I seem to favor a bit too much. Can you give me an example? Also, I do follow "who said what with the action". Is there a better way to not loose your audience when using a "dialogue" for the format of a story?

Typos...grrrrr, I have to get my spell check straight on this computer... :) As far as the spelling, I tend to do that alot. I think that my grammar and passive sentences have a lot to do with English being my second language ultimately. There are some words that even at this stage I tend to mix up... :embarrass

Thanks again for the pointers. Keep them coming guys! I want to correct the errors I make.

LH

Star_Anise
04-27-2006, 06:25 AM
Thanks for the pointers. This is exactly what I need. You mention that I use expressions that I seem to favor a bit too much. Can you give me an example? Also, I do follow "who said what with the action". Is there a better way to not loose your audience when using a "dialogue" for the format of a story?


Sorry took me a while to get back to you Lavender.

I was referring to the structure of your phrasing - those sentences that consist of "blah blah," he said, as he did blah blah".

And on the subject of not losing your audience when using dialogue, you just have to trust yourself, and trust them. Include character's actions when they are important to what is happening, to the character themself and to the work more generally. I was just suggesting you had fallen in to the habit of applying a formula, perhaps in an attempt to keep things moving along, but for me at least, it made me lazy. I stopped trying to imagine all these things because it didn't seem authentic. I'm not sure I can really suggest how to "fix" this problem exactly, but some experimentation should help you discover what is "natural" for you. Some lines don't need any sort attribution at all in this piece, as it should be obvious who is speaking.

Dialogue is difficult to write, and this is mostly dialogue driven, hence the issue. You could actually rewrite this so that it's told in first person primarily, and that would do away with quite a bit of the technical dialogue. But that's just an idea.

Lavender Heart
04-27-2006, 02:55 PM
Makes a lot of sense Star. Thank you so much! I'll get working on it...:-)