friendship problem

[musi]

this is a serious problem for me:

me and my friend Valery have been friends for 11 years already. i do not know how our friendship began or what it was based on - we have almost nothing in common and are completely different by characters. she is a person of theory, who avoids mistakes and thinks that if there was something wrong in a relationship, even a trifle, one shouldn't go on it. i am a person of practice, capable to jump into nothingness with empty hands. but we were together all through the time, through all ups and downs and both decided to go on studying together at the academy (after being together at school) without each others influence.
and for some time things were ok. all started going wrong last year when she had a relationship with a man and told me all about it when it was over and over for good. and i just thought that she is one of those people, who will get married secretly and then tell everyone they did. and i paid no attention to her telling me so late, but this relationship hurt her a lot, because it was the first experience for her and i tried to help her as much as i could.
and then she got a job and she was first fascinated by it (she tends to be maniac-depressive over everything - first total exitement, then deepest depression) and there is a guy there on her job who acts really weird as i think, drawing all her attention to him, seeing her off and so on, even though he is in a relationship with a girl for 4 years.. that is worrying me..

but the worst part about everything is that we stopped communicating normally over this summer. she was usually absorbed with work and i fell in love again (usual story) and she hated the guy i am with (usual story), but now she has work and she spends lots of hours there, even though there is no need. and since the uni began she acts as if she is a business woman, all busy-busy-busy. no time for studying, only work, no time to chat with us (there are 4 of us girls in a company together with her) and just sit in the bar. when we talk, she has this polite smile on her face, as if we are strangers and totally hiding her real feelings and when i tried to talk to her about us spending more time together, she asked me to leave her alone. and i am worried right now, first, because i am losing the friend i have, and second, because i have no idea what she is going through and what worries her. and i do not know what is on her heart and knowing her and her deep depressions, this could be really bad! and there is nothing i can do to help right now.

i am really in need of an advice. please, if you have any thoughts about it, your help will be really appreciated.

thanks!

:(

[blp]

Don't know if I can say anything really helpful, but sometimes these things just take their course. I'm not really friends with anyone I went to school with now. Interests diverged. I remember it feeling odd and difficult at times when a friendship was coming to an end, but it's never been a long term problem, except with one friend who wouldn't let go for a long time despite the fact that we had very little in common.

[Rain]

You hit the nail on the head at the end...."there is nothing i can do to help right now." Unfortunately you are right. Trying to push yourself on your friend will only make her back off more. I know it's hard because you are worried, but you have to leave it be for a while and see what happens. If you do, there may be a future opportunity to help out, even if it's just helping to pick up the pieces. Then again, maybe not. On the other hand, if you press the issue, you will almost certainly lose your friend and even if she does realize later that she should have listened to you, she may still be standoffish and think that talking to you would only result in an I-told-you-so type of reaction.

I think giving her space is your only option. It's not easy though.

[oceanflower]

I agree with blp and Rain. I had friends with whom I was very close all through high school. We even went on to the same university together, and roomed together. Still, we began to drift apart as we met new people and developed new interests. There was no animosity. I think this is the natural course of things in the different stages of our lives, although it can be sad. As for her emotional/psychological problems, that is something she must deal with herself. If she wants your help, she'll ask for it.

[Scheherazade]

I agree with what has been said... Sometimes letting go is the healthiest way for friendships if you still would be like to remain 'friends'. I rarely get to visit and see the town where I grew up and it is always gret to see my highschool friends again; we reminisce and have a giggle but it is obvious that we have grown apart over the years. If we tried to carry on with our friendship on day-today basis, we would end up having negative feelings for one another. The same thing is true for some of my university friends. Very few friendship survives through years as we mature and change (dare I say even grow up?).

It might be better to give your friend some room and see how things shape. That does not mean that you should stop being friends; your friendship might take a different shape.

Hope it all goes well for both of you.

[Dahlia]

Yes, it's sad when this happens. I still have two close friends from school (I left six years ago) but one of them just suddenly stopped talking to me for no reason. I was angry but not now, she must have just moved on but she did it in a very cold way. I'm still friends with the other one though, and think I always will be.

[Rachel]

I had a best friend for about ten years and then our different jobs and her constant boyfriends put a wedge between us and suddenly we were like total strangers. Even though we had been inseperable and gone thru just everything together it was as if it had never been. Time went by, several years in fact and one day when I was eating out for lunch with a friend I saw her at another table with a gentlman and a little dog that she obviously adored. I was not going to say anything to her, what would I.But she looked over and called me. Reluctantly I went over and we started to talk. Then she gave me her email and just like that I invited her over for Christmas. We laughed until we were sick about our silly adventures before and since that hour we are closer now with all the wisdom and such behind us than we were then. Now we choose each other to be friends not out of need but want and mutual respect and honor. I just got an email from her and she said a card I sent her made her weep. It is just such a wonderful relationship.
I always remember a scripture that says something like 'unless the seed goes into the dark earth and dies it cannot transform and come forth as a beautiful plant and flourish and bear fruit and be a blessing.
It is hard but you will be fine and she will too.

[musi]

I had a best friend for about ten years and then our different jobs and her constant boyfriends put a wedge between us and suddenly we were like total strangers. Even though we had been inseperable and gone thru just everything together it was as if it had never been. Time went by, several years in fact and one day when I was eating out for lunch with a friend I saw her at another table with a gentlman and a little dog that she obviously adored. I was not going to say anything to her, what would I.But she looked over and called me. Reluctantly I went over and we started to talk. Then she gave me her email and just like that I invited her over for Christmas. We laughed until we were sick about our silly adventures before and since that hour we are closer now with all the wisdom and such behind us than we were then. Now we choose each other to be friends not out of need but want and mutual respect and honor. I just got an email from her and she said a card I sent her made her weep. It is just such a wonderful relationship.
I always remember a scripture that says something like 'unless the seed goes into the dark earth and dies it cannot transform and come forth as a beautiful plant and flourish and bear fruit and be a blessing.
It is hard but you will be fine and she will too.

oh, this is a really sweet story, Rachel :) i am glad you and your friend could work things out after such a long period of time and still be best friends.. i wonder if such thing will happen to Val and me - maybe time heals all wounds indeed..

[angelhair]

I went through school for years with two other girls as my 'total' best friends. At 16, both of them left to start jobs whilst I stayed on to do A levels. As things like mobile/cell phones wern't around in those days, emails were for computer nerds and professors only and letters always took too long to write we inevitably lost contact over a period of time.
This saddened me deeply. I loved and adored them both, never a day going by without them being constantly on my mind.
My dad, after seeing me mope around once too often, took me to aside one day and explained to me about the way life works. People come into our lives for reasons, and leave when their job is done just as we do. We may not realise it but we do. He reassured me that I would be every bit on their minds as they were on mine and when the time is right - if indeed it was ever to be right we would meet again.
Twenty years down the line I have moved to a completely different area. Miles away from where I used to live in childhood.
Taking my daughter to Nursery for the first time, I was stunned to see one of my 'best friends' doing the same thing!
We looked at each other, both thinking 'nah it can't be!'. Not wanting to look a fool, I asked if her name was .... as she looked like her double. I didn't dream it would be her as I lived so far away from where we both grew up.
It was her! and for 8 years we became very close again. Both working at the same school, both having children the same age, both school governors sitting on the same body on the same committees.
Now our children have left that school, we have begun to drift again. Sure we keep in contact via text and calls, but it's not the same.
I firmly believe my dad was right, no matter how much we love our friends, we cannot keep hold of them. To do so would be to stifle both their lives and ours that we cannot do.
Time urges us onwards and upwards whether we like it or not.
If it is meant to be you will both be reunited when the time is right for you both. I know it's hard as do many of us here, but it really is only part of the seperate chapters in our lives. :)

[Star_Anise]

Some very wise words, jakki. It's a very good way of putting things in perspective. Seems to be just the thing I needed to read right now:)