Feminine phenomenon

[ArthurDent]

Do not take this cheap :) that's all I need say before...

The blood fills my cells
The rush of heart felt flow reaches every corner
As I begin to grow.
No time for reason, planning ahead
It is time to forward go.
I cannot explain this with words
The senses sharpen, the vision blurs
With every thrust
And every slide back
A stiffness comes over me.
I cannot hold back in the presence of this feminine phenomenon
I let all go, the tense moment fades
Back to former self
Good night. sleep tight.

Feel free to take the piss (Pun not intended) :)

[Star_Anise]

You cannot explain this with words, hey, Arthur? But you certainly tried :) . Maybe that's why it still seems cheap? Hope I haven't hurt you by "taking the piss", but this feels like "going through the motions" (no pun intended here either).

[blp]

Can only agree with Star, I'm afraid. You really found the poem's vulnerable centre there, Star. It's terribly literal. Arthur, my head's on the block too at the moment in this forum if you'd like to take a return swipe.

[ArthurDent]

Arthur, my head's on the block too at the moment in this forum if you'd like to take a return swipe.

No, you're both correct. That was my weakest piece so far. I will work on it some more.
I think that the reason it came out like that was that, normally I write real fast. I mean, I complete a peom in about 5-10 minutes. That's just how I write, I like to let it come out easily and with as little intteruprions as possible. I am a believer that what you write in your first attempt is normally the true sentiment you're trying to bring forward. But I had interruptions here... I was thinking too hard, instead of letting my fingers type away. I was constantly thinking "Do not write this too subtle, but do not write this just straight forward", guess which part won? LoL
Anyway, like Star said, you can't really explain it with words. But I did try and I have succeeded pretty well in another form. I wrote a few essays about it once and got a very good feedback (Also thought I did a good job myself...) But it was in Hebrew (My native language) and I guess it is always better when you express yourself in your own language...

Anyway, I appreciate your honesty. I'd take it anytime over false flattery :)

[ArthurDent]

Ok, Version 2:

I tried to both make it more subtle (Which should make it more palatable) and still stay on target... I hope that works. I personally like it much better than V1.

The blood fills my cells
The rush of heart felt flow reaches every corner
As the game begins
No time for reason, crafting of plans
It is time for the in between
I cannot explain this with words
But I try
I try to express the unspoken
There are rules to this game
They are written within you
With respect to the counterpart
And the barriers broken
There I go through the dark
As I seek safe entrance
To be sheltered by which
Is the most dangerous being
And I strive to reach peace
To encompass effortlessly
The depths of this desirable concept
The beauty of act
This feminine phenomenon
Makes my purpose a midnight run
End game, Lights out
Both intruder and captor
The last dance
Back to former self.

[Star_Anise]

I think it is an improvement, making it less literal, but I still can't say I appreciate it, or *gasp* like it. I can't quite put my finger on it, but it does feel like you're trying too hard.

Sorry I can't be more exact right now.

[blp]

I do think you've improved it. Hard to say how, but an argument in general for more work at least.

[ArthurDent]

Ok. I found myself trying to undo something :).

I feel like (As Billy Crystal said in "When Harry met Sally) "It's already out there" :) but here goes Version 3.0. Trying to attack the weakest links.

The blood runs through me
The rush of heart felt flow reaches every corner
As I reach out.
No time for reason, planning ahead
It is time to forward go.
I cannot explain this with words
The senses sharpen, the vision blurs
With tides, both low and high
The waves rise and crash
There is no more left to fill,
I cannot withstand the presence of this feminine phenomenon
And drown, as the tense moment fades
Back to former self
Good night.