So... Tell me a joke [Archive] - Literature Forums at Literature Junction

MSREADER

03-20-2005, 06:36 AM

Dead Duck

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she
laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened
to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly
and said, "I'm so sorry, Minnie has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead", he replied.
"How can you be so sure", she protested. "I mean, you haven't done
any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something"

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room and
returned a few moments later with a Black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's
owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front
paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He
then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the
dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat.

The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the
bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry,
but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.
"Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced
a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill, "$150!" she
cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the
bill would have been $20 but what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan...."

MSREADER

03-20-2005, 07:31 AM

I hope these are not inappropriate....I've been reading through some of the other threads, and I think I'm okay with posting these. Please let me know, if not. I have a lot of others I know would not be suitable.

Top Ten most Polite Ways to Say Your Zipper Is Down
by David Letterman

10. The cucumber has left the salad.

9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.

7. Paging Mr. Johnson . . . Paging Mr. Johnson . . .

6. Elvis is leaving the building.

5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.

4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.

3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

2. Men may be From Mars . . . but I can see something that rhymes with Venus.

And the #1 way to tell someone his zipper is unzipped . . .

1. I always knew you were crazy, but now I can see your nuts.

musi

03-20-2005, 01:25 PM

great jokes!

i hope i can contribute..
the old one:
the horse walks into a bar and a barman says: so, why the long face?

second old one: why do they give hurricanes women names? because when they come they are really wet and wild and when they leave they take your house and your car.

H. Caulfeild

03-20-2005, 06:07 PM

i love this one and didn't know how to share it so here...

MSREADER

03-21-2005, 05:23 AM

Political Ideologies

(An Easy Guide to Political Ideologies using 2 cows). 3:-O 3:-O

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them,and you all share the milk.

APPLIED COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

NIGERIAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government takes both, shoots you and sends the cows to Zurich.

MILITARISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate". The cows sue you for breach of contract.

BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheep's brains and they go mad. The government does not do anything.

EUROPEAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. At first, the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly-listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows.

The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the right to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because of bad feng shui.

TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated with (the concept of 'ownership' is a symbol of the phallocentric, warmongering, intolerant past) two differently aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
--------------------

MSREADER

03-21-2005, 05:25 AM

Measurements

1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram

6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong

7. 365.25 days of drinking low calorie beer = 1 Lite year

8. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling

9. Half a large intestine = 1 semicolon

10. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz

11. Basic unit of laryngitis - 1 hoarsepower

12. Shortest distance between two jokes - a straight line

13. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

14. 1 million microphones = 1 megaphone

15. 1 million bicycles = 1 megacycles

16. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle

17. 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds

18. 10 cards = 1 decacard

19. 52 cards = 1 deckacard

20. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 fig Newton

21. 1000 grams of wet socks = 1 literhosen

22. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

23. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin

24. 10 rations = 1 decaration

25. 100 rations = 1 C-ration

26. 2 monograms = 1 diagram

27. 8 nickels = 2 paradigms

28. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 I.V. League

MSREADER

03-21-2005, 05:28 AM

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
~:>

DR. SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!

JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call it: the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that.

PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die. In the rain.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA:
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX:
It was a historical inevitability.

RONALD REAGAN:
What chicken?

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK:
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER:
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

FREUD:
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken 98, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook and Internet
Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

LOUIS FARRAKHAN:
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.

THE BIBLE:
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS:
I missed one?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

MSREADER

03-21-2005, 05:44 AM

OKAY, ARE YOU READY FOR SOME BLONDE JOKES???.......

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car
and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.

The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license.
She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it
and handed it to the policewoman.

"Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A blonde woman's house is on fire, so she calls the fire department "My house is on fire! My house is on fire! Come put it out!"

The fireman responds "right away lady. How do we get there?" The blonde responds to the fireman "Duh, red truck!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. WHY DID THE BLONDE NURSE BRING A RED MAGIC MARKER TO WORK?

A. IN CASE SHE HAD TO DRAW BLOOD.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A blonde who had been unemployed for several months
got a job with Public Works. She was to paint lines
down the center of a rural road. The supervisor told
her that she was on probation and that she must stay
at or above the set average of two miles per day to
remain employed. The blonde agreed to the conditions
and started right away. The supervisor checking up at
the end of the day, found that the blonde had
completed four miles on her first day, double the
average! "Great," he told her, "I think you're really
going to work out."

The next day, however, he was disappointed to find
that the blonde only accomplished two miles. The
supervisor thought, "Well she's still at the average
and I don't want to discourage her, so I'll just keep quiet." The
third day however the blonde only did one mile and the boss thought,
"I need to talk to her before this gets any worse." The boss pulled
the new employee in and said, "You were doing so great. The
first day you did four miles, the second day two
miles, but yesterday you only did one mile. Why? Is
there a problem? An injury, equipment failure? What's
keeping you from meeting the two-mile minimum?"

The blonde replied "Well, each day I keep getting
farther and farther away from the bucket.

-----------------------------------------------------

Blonde Inventions!
Here are the All-Time Top 10 Blond Inventions!

1) The water-proof towel
2) Solar powered flashlight
3) Submarine screen door
4) A book on how to read
5) Inflatable dart board
6) A dictionary index
7) Ejector seat in a helicopter
8) Powdered water
9) Pedal-powered wheel chair
10) Water-proof tea bag

------------------------------------------------------

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps
table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty
thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you
don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude".
With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled
the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!"
Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"
She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers.
She then picked up all the money and
her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know, I thought YOU were watching!"

Moral of the story: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men....are men.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As a West Virginia trucker stops for a red light, a blonde following in
her car, catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck and
knocks on the door. The trucker lowers his window and she says, "Hi, my
name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. Then the truck
stops for another red light, the blonde catches up again. She jumps out
of her car, runs up to the truck and knocks on the door. Again the
trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says
brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your
load!"

Shaking his head the trucker ignores her again and continues down the
street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. The
blonde gets out of her car, runs up to the truck and knocks on the
truck door. The trucker lowers his window. All out of breath, again she says,
"Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green, the trucker revs up and races to the next
light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck,
runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window and as she lowers it,
he says....

"Hi. My name is John. It's winter in West Virginia and I'm driving the
SALT TRUCK."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the little rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees the man crying on the side of a road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks him what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turns the can around so the man can read the label. It says:

(GET READY )

"Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

;))

happy

03-21-2005, 06:10 AM

wow! you know so many jokes MSREADER! keep em coming :)

musi

03-21-2005, 07:49 AM

how to keep a blond entertained for an hour?
take a piece of paper and write "Look at the other side" on both sides..

oceanflower

03-21-2005, 10:32 AM

* quickly writing apologies to the Blonde anti-Defamation League* ;)

MSREADER

03-21-2005, 10:22 PM

as a blonde may I say, I resemble that!
:confused: :idea: :confused:

H. Caulfeild

04-10-2005, 08:27 AM

YOUR DAILY NEWS (this is a little late but i thought it hilarious and forgot to post it earlier):

Due to the death of Pope John Paul II, Prince Charles of England has had to postpone his wedding to a later date, it was rumored that the royal family didn't want such a tragic event to disrupt the funeral...

(this has been an inexact quote) from: Conan O'Brien, the greatest talk show host of the 21st century...

oceanflower

04-11-2005, 12:10 AM

musi

04-15-2005, 08:40 AM

an old one..

what did Bill Gates wife tell him on their first bridal night?
i know why you called your company microsoft..

H. Caulfeild

04-21-2005, 04:33 AM

what do you call a drive-by shooting in shanghai?
a cappaccino

H. Caulfeild

05-31-2005, 02:18 AM

what is heck?

it's where you go when gosh darns you...

musi

06-01-2005, 06:58 AM

not sure i had it here. if i did, i am sorry for posting the same joke twice.

why don't blonds drive KIA cars?
because their phones say NO-KIA.

oceanflower

06-01-2005, 10:24 AM

Q: What building has the most stories?
A: The library

oceanflower

06-01-2005, 10:25 AM

Q: Why did the picture goe to jail?
A: Because it was *****d. (The censored word is f-r-a-m-e-d. It's used as a virus protection device. :))

Jezebel

06-02-2005, 08:47 PM

A man woke up in the middle of the night because he heard noises coming from his garage. He went outside to investigate and discovered three people had broken into his garage and were stealing its contents. He crept back into his house and phoned the police. The operator told him that the police would be there shortly. An hour passed, then another. The looters were still stealing from the man's garage and the police had not yet arrived. The man angrily calls the police again and says "Don't bother sending the police, the robbers are not a problem anymore because I have shot them all" two minutes later twenty squad cars arrive at his house.

H. Caulfeild

06-03-2005, 11:46 PM

what's the difference between an irish wedding and an irish funeral?
one less drunk irish guy

eflo

06-08-2005, 03:44 PM

OK, I've got one:

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?

Fo' drizzle!

H. Caulfeild

06-23-2005, 07:10 AM

eflo

06-24-2005, 03:24 PM

I've got one. It's actually something I saw on a T-Shirt.

"Democrats are sexy. After all, whoever heard of a nice piece of elephant?" :D

acdi

09-13-2005, 08:32 AM

How many Freudian Analysts does it take to change a light bulb?

2 - one to change the bulb and one to hold the breasts, sorry, chair...

why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella

oceanflower

09-13-2005, 09:47 AM

why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella

Fo' Drizzle!

H. Caulfeild

09-13-2005, 06:20 PM

not sure if i've told this one yet...
how many irish guys does it take to change a light bulb?

three, one to hold the light bulb and two to get so drunk the room starts spinning.

Star_Anise

01-30-2006, 01:27 PM

I'm not much of a computer geek, but I thought this one was funny:

There are ten types of people in this world: those who understand binary code and those who don't.

angelhair

02-02-2006, 07:00 AM

what's the difference between a weasle and a stoat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
One's *weasily* recognised and the other's *stoatily* different! :embarrass :embarrass :D

one_raven

02-02-2006, 07:08 AM

So there are three girls, their names are raindrop, snowflake, and concrete-block.
So one day, snowflake comes to her mother and says, "Mom, why did you name me snowflake?"
Her mother answers, "Well, when you were born and we brought you out of the hospital, a snowflake landed on your cheek"

The next day raindrop comes to her mother and says, "Mom, why did you name me raindrop?"
Her mother answers, "Well, when you were born and we brought you out of the hospital, a raindrop landed on your cheek"

The very next day, concrete-block comes to her mother and says "AAAAUUUGHGHHGAUUA"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

I love it!

One of my favorite jokes...
I got this one from Mr. Bean (poorly adapted from a classic skit).

A Catholic Priest was performing a wedding ceremony.
He got to the part in which Priests tell a little story or share some marital wisom somehow.
He spoke of one of his first wedding ceremonies just after he finished seminary school.

The bride-to-be came to me a few weeks before the ceremony for some marital advice.
"Father", she asked, "I have tried to be a good Catholic all my life. I go to church every Sunday. I went all through Catholic School. When it was time to go to college, I chose a Catholic college."
I nodded in approval.
"I want to continue being a good Catholic, so I need some advice."
"Of course, my child", I responded, "what can I help you with."
She was quite nervous about bringing the subject up. "It's a sex question, Father. I know that, as a Catholic, I am not supposed to have pre-marital sex and I haven't."
"That's good, child. So what is your question?"
"Well", she replied, "Jimmy has asked me to perform fellatio on him. The Nuns have never said anything about fellatio. I have never heard a Priest mention it any mass. I looked in the Bible, and it says nothing. I just don't kow if God would consider it a sin or not."
I, as I mentioned, was fresh out of seminary school very young, and, obviously, very inexperienced. "My child", I responded, "I would really love to be able to help you in this matter... Unfortunately, I don't know what fellatio is."
The girl, still very nervous, was too embarassed to explain to me what she meant. After some thought, she knelt in front of me and proceeded to SHOW me instead.
Well, I was quite surprised by this, I don't have to tell you, but I learned something very important that day. Ever since then, when a bride-to-be asks me if fellatio is a sin in God's eyes, I ALWAYS respond the same way...
"I would really love to be able to help you in this matter... Unfortunately, I don't know what fellatio is."

Hietanen

03-03-2006, 03:00 AM

Okay this one`s from a Finnish joke book:

Kalle oli perustanut ravintolan missä talon erikoisena oli jänismuhennos.Asiakas tilasi muhennosta, mutta maistettuaan tokaisi:
- Tämähän maistuu aivan hevosenlihalta.
- Olen tosiaankin käyttänyt jäniksen lisäksi vähän hevosta, tunnusti Kalle.
- Vain niin. Kuinka paljon?
- Puolet ja puolet, yhden jäniksen ja yhden hevosen.

Kalle had just opened a new restaurant that had a speciality: Rabbit-stew,

A customer ordered the speciality and after he tasted it he said to the Owner

-Man, this tastes like horsemeat!

-Well I must admit I`ve added a little horse in there, Kalle confessed

-Really, how much?

-fifty-fifty, one rabbit and one horse.

I found this one hilarious.

Hietanen

03-03-2006, 03:26 AM

Okay still Finnish jokes, I laughed my ass off reading this

Kolme hiirtä oli kapakassa ja viina alkoi vaikuttamaan.
- Perkele, sanoi ensimmäinen. - Minä menen eduskuntaan ja
räjäytän sen ilmaan.
- Minä painun valtioneuvostoon ja haukun joka ainoan ministerin,
uhosi toinen.
- Piru soikoon, manaili kolmas. - Sillä aikaa minä käväisen kotona ja raiskaan kissan!

Three mice were having a drink at the local bar, starting to get intoxicated.

-Damn! , said the first one- I`m gonna go and blow up the Parliament!

-I`m gonna abuse all the ministers in the Cabinet!, the second one exhaled.

-Well fuck it, said the third, while you`re busy I`ll head home and rape the cat.

oceanflower

03-03-2006, 09:32 AM

Question: What do you call a cow with no legs?
Answer: Ground beef.

Winifred

03-04-2006, 02:44 AM

Actual Analogies and Metaphors Found in High School
Essays:

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had
its two sides
gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and
breaking alliances like
underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from
experience, like a
guy who went blind because he looked at a solar
eclipse without one of
those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around
the country
speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking
at a solar
eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in
it.

She grew on him like she was a colony of E-coli and
he was
room-temperature beef.

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that
sound a dog makes
just before it throws up.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had
disintegrated
because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock,
like a surcharge
at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond
exactly the way a
bowling ball wouldn't.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a
Hefty bag filled
with vegetable soup.

The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like
when you're on
vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00
p.m. instead of
7:30.

Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair
after a sneeze.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like
maggots when you
fry them in hot grease.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed
lovers raced across
the grassy field toward each other like two freight
trains, one having
left Cleveland at 6:38 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the
other from Topeka
at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with
picket fences that
resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two
hummingbirds who had
also never met.

He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant
and she was the
East River.

Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a
steel trap, only
one that had been left out so long, it had rusted
shut.

Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil.
But unlike Phil,
this plan just might work.

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you
get from not eating
for a while.

"Oh, Jason, take me!"; she panted, her breasts
heaving like a college
freshman on $1-a-beer night.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame
duck, either, but
a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from
stepping on a land mine
or something.

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended
one slender leg
behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing
kids around with
power tools.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he
heard bells, as
if she were a garbage truck backing up.

She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.

Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had
forgotten to put in
any pH cleanser.

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98
missing legs.

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you
accidentally staple it to
the wall.

one_raven

03-04-2006, 03:36 AM

Actual Analogies and Metaphors Found in High School
Essays:
:p
Those are great!
What's funny to me is that I could believe that the quotes came from brilliant satirists, if I didn't know better.

Jezebel

03-04-2006, 04:08 AM

Oh Winifred, you just made me laugh so hard! Thank you!

vierdreieins

03-04-2006, 04:17 AM

He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.
That is by far the best thing I've heard in a long time. :D

Star_Anise

03-04-2006, 12:11 PM

Oh, these are so great! I haven't laughed that hard in a while! And I agree with one_raven, if I hadn't known better...

The little boat gently drifted across the pond
exactly the way a
bowling ball wouldn't.

Now there's a line Douglas Adams would have been proud to pen!

Winifred

03-07-2006, 12:48 AM

A friend emailed them around, I'm glad you all enjoyed them as much as I did:)

Jezebel

04-10-2006, 02:10 AM

I found this on a different forum.

Sex or Money - A Man's Perspective

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have
never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into
bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't
feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me
to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look
by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you
in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to
take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We
went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond
earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was
one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me
because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to
play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine,
honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the
excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think
this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel
like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled
WHAT?"

I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're
just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy
your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she
was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and
not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....

musi

04-12-2006, 12:31 PM

Man: Dear, what can i give you for birthday?
Woman: Oh, dear, i will be happy to get any present from you, as long as it has an automatic gearbox and leather seats..

:)

Winifred

04-17-2006, 08:12 PM

Since this is a literature forum: two poems:

A River Rhyme by William Cole

It was floodtime on the Seine:
Flotsam, jetsam, garbage, then
Five cats clinging to a plank -
Un, deux, trois cats sank!

Family Eccentric by Edward Willey

Marie is bald and doesn't
give a damn. To prove it
she often spits in public
and hates to wear a hat.

I hope she changes
for the better before
she learns to talk.

Lavender Heart

04-26-2006, 02:32 AM

A man is sitting on his patio, looking out into the field, when he sees a snail climbing on to the porch. He grabs it with disgust and tosses over the patio and into the woods.

A year later, the same man is sitting in his living room watching a tv show and hears a knock on the door. He gets up, answers the door and there the same snail says..."Ok, what the hell was that about?"...:-)

musi

07-30-2006, 06:56 AM

i am not sure where to post it, but since it is a thread for jokes and this story made me laugh, i'll post it here.
yestrday i went out with friends and one of them, Helena, told us a story: she was driving trough the city and was thinking she should wash her car, because it is all dirty and covered in dust. that moment a taxi driver ran into her rear bumper. the driver asked her not to call the police and said he admitted it was his fault and would call her tomorrow and give her the money. she believed him, but he didn't call the next day, so she called him and he said he doesn't know who she is and if she left the scene of the crime, it is her fault and she cannot prove anything. Helena was upset and drove to the police station and told the policemen the story and they too said that it is difficult to prove anything, if she left. then they went out to see the damage on the rear bumper and it appeared, that since the car was all dusty, the taxi driver's number plate's number got printed on the rear bumber rather well. the policemen nearly died of laughter and i would love to see the taxi driver's face, when the police told him how he got caught :D

Star_Anise

07-30-2006, 09:52 AM

:D Priceless! I love the irony - the taxi driver's dirty dealings get the better of him!

musi

08-05-2006, 08:28 AM

a wisdom from a friend, who has been married for 2 weeks:
the difference between a girlfriend and a wife is that a girlfriend asks you to do something, and wife just gives you instructions. :)

Winifred

08-06-2006, 09:21 PM

musi wrote:

wisdom from a friend, who has been married for 2 weeks:Now that's funny all by itself!:)

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant opened
by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry he sat down and looked over
the menu...

Broiled Missionary: $10.00
Fried Explorer: $15.00
Baked Politician: $100.00.

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a price difference
for the politician?"

The cook replied "Have you ever tried to clean one?"

oceanflower

08-07-2006, 08:36 PM

musi wrote:
Now that's funny all by itself!:)

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant opened
by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry he sat down and looked over
the menu...

Broiled Missionary: $10.00
Fried Explorer: $15.00
Baked Politician: $100.00.

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a price difference
for the politician?"

The cook replied "Have you ever tried to clean one?"

LOL! Impossible to clean one, I'd say! :D

musi

08-10-2006, 07:01 AM

my friend Nataly sent me this this morning:

Men Are Just Happier People--What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress-$5000, Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy reading it.

:)

Winifred

08-14-2006, 12:12 AM

A West Texas cowboy was herding his cows in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.
He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel
spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, Why not?"
You're a Congressman for the U.S. government" says the cowboy.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows........
Now give me back my dog.”

Don't mean to be on a political roll, but it's what people are sending me lately. Funny, though....

Marlow

08-14-2006, 01:17 AM

Elephant's Memory - A Touching Story

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed so Mbembe approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large thorn deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the thorn out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The
elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For several tense moments Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later he was walking through a zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe and lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

OK, my sense of humor is weird. ;)

Jezebel

08-14-2006, 02:11 AM

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their
local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do
you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."

Sure," they said, "You're welcome."

So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the
newcomer.

Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What
do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a
beautiful Remington sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.
"Here's one of my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I
take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."

So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction
of his house.

"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see
right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can
see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with
her...He's naked, too!!! The bitch!"

He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull
the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the
mouth. Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, and just a kid, so just
shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a
few minutes.

"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.

"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a
grand here....."

musi

08-14-2006, 07:00 AM

haha, thank you, Winifred, Marlow and Jezebel! a nice beginning of the day for me :)

Marlow

08-14-2006, 11:56 AM

I guess you're allowed some off color humor here. So here goes. I don't claim to know if they are actually true.

> >Funny But Actual Medical Examinations
> >
> >1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in
> >the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's
> >dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there
> >were several cabs -and I was in the wrong one.
> >
> >Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX.
> >
> >
> >2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
> >slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I
> >instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.
> >
> >Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
> >
> >
> >3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her
> >husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five
> >minutes
> >later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a
> >"massive internal fart."
> >
> >Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada
> >
> >
> >4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist,
> >he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his
> >medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch ?".
> >The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running
> >out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I
> >hoped I wouldn't see.Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
> >
> >Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a
> >new one.
> >
> >Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
> >
> >
> >5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long
> >have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she
> >answered..."Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.."
> >
> >Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
> >
> >
> >6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this
> >morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to
> >get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly
> >and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
> >
> >Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

musi

08-14-2006, 12:20 PM

hehe, the "big breaths" joke was great :)

Marlow

09-06-2006, 08:00 PM

Taking a wee break from the golf course, Tiger Woods drives his new Mercedes into an Irish gas station.

An attendant greets him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro is, "Top o' the mornin to ya".

As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket.

"So what are those things, laddie?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees," replies Tiger.

"And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?" inquires the Irishman.

"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replies Tiger.

"Aw, Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaims the Irish attendant.
"Those fellas at Mercedes think of everything...

Marlow

09-21-2006, 04:21 AM

OK, I'm feeling a little better now, especially after I read this blonde joke that came my way.

A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy,
> Mommy," she yelled"we were counting today and all the other kids could
> only count to 4,
> but I counted to 10. See? 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10! "
> "Very good," said her mother.
> "Is it because I'm blond?"
> "Yes, it's because you're blond," said the Mommy.
> The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "
> Mommy, Mommy,"
> she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, all the other
> kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A,B,C,D,E,F,G!"
> "Very good," said her mother.
> "Is it because I'm blond, Mommy?"
> "Yes it's because you're blond", said the mommy
> The following day the girl came skipping home from school.
> "Mommy,Mommy,"she yelled, "we were in Gym class today, and when we
> showered all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" She
> lifted
> her tank top to reveal a pair of 36C's.
> "Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
> "Is it because I'm blond, Mommy?"
> "No, Laurie, it's because you're 24."

oceanflower

09-21-2006, 07:03 AM

LOL! :D I'm calling the Blonde anti-defamation league.

musi

09-21-2006, 09:01 AM

hahaha! i'll definetely tell it to my friend Olga - she is blond! :)

vierdreieins

09-22-2006, 09:39 PM

While we're on the subject of blonde jokes...

A blonde with headphones on went into a beauty shop to get her hair cut. But the stylist told her to be able to cut her hair, she'd have to take the headphones off. The blonde told her, "Cut around them." The stylist tried as hard as she could to cut around them, but told her she couldn't. "Well, I can't take them off so cut around them." After a few minutes of trying, the stylist became frustrated, ripped the headphones off, and started cutting her hair. But after a few seconds the blonde fell over, dead. The stylist was horrified, lifted the headphones to her ear and heard, "Breathe in... breathe out..."

Marlow

09-29-2006, 01:20 PM

Subject: Physics Problem

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your right side is a steep drop off and on your left side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Answer below:

Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!

Marlow

09-29-2006, 03:16 PM

I got a second joke today.

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua.

As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink." The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs With us."

The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. The bouncer at the door said,"Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-eye dog." The bouncer said, "a Doberman?" The woman said, "Yes, They're using them now. They're very good." The bouncer said, "OK, come On in."

The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, "What the Heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in. Once again The Bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed." The woman said, "You don't Understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"

The woman with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a f--king Chihuahua?!

musi

09-29-2006, 05:58 PM

oh, thank you, vierdreieins and Marlow! the jokes have made my evening very good :) :) :)

eflo

09-29-2006, 10:07 PM

Anyone heard this one before.....? Supposed to be a blonde joke, but I modified it.

A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he enters the elevator, a woman already inside greets him by saying, "T-G-I-F"

He smiles and says, "S-H-I-T"

She looks at him, puzzled and says again, "T-G-I-F"

He acknowledges her remark again by saying, "S-H-I-T"

The woman smiles her biggest and friendliest smile and says as sweetly as possible, "T-G-I-F"

The man smiles back, and says, "S-H-I-T"

The woman finally decides to explain herself and says, "T-G-I-F: Thank goodness it's Friday".

The man smiles back and says, "S-H-I-T: Sorry Honey, it's Thursday".

Marlow

10-03-2006, 11:49 AM

oceanflower

10-03-2006, 12:12 PM

Divorce?

Two guys from WEST VIRGINIA are sittin' in a boat on Elk Lake, fishin' and suckin' down beer, when all of a sudden, Al says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife... She hasn't spoken to me in over six months."
Harry sips his beer and says, "You better think it over, Al, - women like that are hard to find."

http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y78/VelvetMorning/smilies%20and%20emoticons/rude.gif http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y78/VelvetMorning/smilies%20and%20emoticons/rude.gif http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y78/VelvetMorning/smilies%20and%20emoticons/rude.gif

Marlow

10-03-2006, 12:26 PM

Liz, you copied my post but had no comment.

oceanflower

10-03-2006, 12:43 PM

Liz, you copied my post but had no comment.

Can't you see my reply? It's in symbols, not words...in keeping with the spirit of the joke, don't you know. http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y78/VelvetMorning/smilies%20and%20emoticons/wink.gif

Marlow

10-03-2006, 12:54 PM

Can't you see my reply? It's in symbols, not words...in keeping with the spirit of the joke, don't you know. http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y78/VelvetMorning/smilies%20and%20emoticons/wink.gif

No, all I have is the quote and blank. Oh wait *lightbulb*, now I get it. LOL

oceanflower

10-03-2006, 01:12 PM

No, all I have is the quote and blank. Oh wait *lightbulb*, now I get it. LOL

Well...actually there are 3 smilies there with their tongues sticking out.

Marlow

10-05-2006, 12:37 PM

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at the craps table when a very
> attractive blonde woman from Northeast Tennessee arrived ....and
>bet Twenty
> thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.
>
> She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier When I play
> topless."
>
> With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and Yelled,
>"Come on, baby....Southern Girl needs new clothes."
>
>
> As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down....and squealed...
>"YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"
>
> She hugged each of the dealers...and then picked up her winnings
>and her
> clothes, and quickly departed.
>
> The two dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of
>them asked, "What did she roll?"
>
> The other answered, "I don't know... I thought you were watching."
>
> Moral of the story:
>
> Not all Southerners are stupid.
> Not all blondes are dumb.
> But all men.....are men.

musi

10-05-2006, 12:41 PM

priceless, Marlow!! :-) :)

musi

10-12-2006, 11:42 AM

not that funny, really, but i liked it:

when a man wants to propose to a woman, he should drive up to her house in a BMW, because it is the only car, that says "Be My Wife" :-)

Marlow

10-12-2006, 02:56 PM

Miracle

One morning a man comes into the church on
crutches. He stops in front of the holy water and splashes some of it on both of his legs, then throws away his crutches.

An altar boy witnessed the scene and runs into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.

Without batting an eye, the priest says, "Son,
you've just witnessed a miracle. Tell me, where is this man?"

"Flat on his ass, Father, over by the holy water."

Marlow

10-12-2006, 06:21 PM

Another one today....

Author Unknown

Let's see if I understand how the world works lately...

If a man cuts his finger off while slicing salami at work, he blames the restaurant.

If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company.

If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, he blames the bartender.

If your grandchildren are brats without manners,
you blame television.

If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.

And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the crazed deceased blames the airline.

I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is anymore.

So, if I die while my old, worn out body is parked in front of this computer,

I want you to blame Bill Gates...okay?

Marlow

10-16-2006, 12:55 PM

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work.

The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."

"But I'm a University graduate," the young man replied indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager."Here, give me the broom and I'll show you how."

Marlow

10-19-2006, 03:28 AM

A little silly but I got a chuckle out of this one:

Subject: GOLF

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said

"How bad is it doc?... I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancé is still a virgin - in every way."

The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."

He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together; ...an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his bride, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon.

That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts.

She said, "You're the first; no one has EVER touched these."

He immediately drops his pants and replies, ... "Look at this, ... it's still in the CRATE !!!!

musi

10-19-2006, 10:24 AM

hehe.. :-D

Marlow

10-30-2006, 01:25 PM

As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember .......

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss...the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."

11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.

12. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be treated, and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."

13. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.

14. As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.

My wife would attest to number 8, but I firmly deny it. ;)

Rachel

10-31-2006, 06:44 PM

oh Manny. sigh.............................................. ..................................

and I think she is right about number eight. I mean you whined for like eight months about cleaning your little space so we could see the chair.(smiling one of the smiles because the world knows it's true.)

Marlow

10-31-2006, 07:12 PM

Jezebel

11-02-2006, 03:41 AM

At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking chemistry and

all of them had an "A" so far.

These four friends were so confident, that the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party.

They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day.

The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam. The Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thinking this was going to be easy.... then they turned the page. On the second page was written....

For 95 points: Which tire? _____

Marlow

11-02-2006, 11:35 AM

Oh this one is too much...I just had to post it. LOL [I'm sorry Rachel, I know this is the type of joke you don't like.]

Sam decides to go on a safari in Africa. Three days into the jungle something terrible happens -- he's attacked by a savage lion!
It's horrible. The lion takes out his eye, rips off his arm, and claws away his penis.
His native guides carry him to a small village nearby. But then, he
undergoes a miracle. An old witch doctor does things no western surgeon could possibly do.
He takes the eye from an eagle and puts it into Sam's empty socket.
He removes the arm from a gorilla and attaches it to Sam's shoulder.
But, a replacement for Sam's penis -- that presents a problem, until the amazing witch doctor finds a solution. He replaces Sam's penis with the trunk from a baby elephant !!
>
Six months later, the fully recovered Sam is walking on Seventh Ave, when he runs into Harry. "Sam, I heard the terrible thing that happened to you, are you all right?"
>
"All right? All right?" said Sam, "I'm better than ever !! It was a
mitzvah! A blessing in disguise.
Let me tell you. Now, when I'm in my factory, and one of my nogoodnik workers is cutting on the bias, and he's on the other side of the shop, with my eagle eye I see him and I yell "STOP".

And, when those union bums come up to bother me, I give them ONE punch from my gorilla arm, and those trumberniks are out on the street.
But, the best of all, THE BEAUTY PART, is at cocktail receptions. When they pass around the peanuts,
I'M THE LIFE OF THE PARTY!

musi

11-02-2006, 11:43 AM

Jezebel, that is a great joke!

Marlow, i've heard this joke in Russian and i was glad to read it in English - glad nations think alike :-)

Marlow

11-06-2006, 06:46 PM

I wanted to post one that would please Rachel too. Here's a cartoon. This is very apt for me. If you've noticed all my spelling mistakes, many are do to my fingers.

http://vilagokorseg.netacademia.net/Gallery/2001/Glasbergen/Images/9.gif

oceanflower

11-06-2006, 09:47 PM

Marlow

11-07-2006, 03:37 PM

I'm not sure if Rachel will approve this one.

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his
> limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He
> ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
>
> "Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.
>
> "We don't have any money for food." the poor man replied.
>
> "Oh, come along with me then."
>
> "But sir, I have a wife with two children!"
>
> "Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other
> man.
>
> "But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.
>
> "Bring them as well!"
>
> They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car
> as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says,
> "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
>
> The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two
> feet tall."

Marlow

11-07-2006, 07:47 PM

I got a second one today. This is really funny.

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

oceanflower

11-08-2006, 03:48 AM

I'm not sure if Rachel will approve this one.

My father and my brother are lawyers. http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y78/VelvetMorning/smilies%20and%20emoticons/pie.gif

Marlow

11-08-2006, 03:57 AM

My father and my brother are lawyers. http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y78/VelvetMorning/smilies%20and%20emoticons/pie.gif

Sorry. Must be interesting discussion around Thanksgiving.

oceanflower

11-08-2006, 04:03 AM

Sorry. Must be interesting discussion around Thanksgiving.

Actually the rest of the family forbids "law stories" during family functions..on pain of death! http://zoo.ogresnet.com/forums/images/smilies/emoticons/wink.gif http://zoo.ogresnet.com/forums/images/smilies/emoticons/original.gif

Blank

11-08-2006, 05:06 AM

There's this one:

A nice little bear fell down into a pond. You think it's funny??
well, the bear doesn't either.

musi

11-08-2006, 05:33 AM

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

:-D

Jezebel

11-08-2006, 07:51 PM

While walking down the street one day, a senator is tragically hit by a truck and killed. His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the senator.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"There's no need! I want to be in Heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator, the doors open, and he rides the elevator down, down, down. When the doors open again, the senator finds himself in the middle of a beautiful green golf course. In the distance is a club, and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in formal dress. They run to greet him, and they reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.

Also present is the Devil, who is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before the senator realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up, and the door reopens in Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

So 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by, and St. Peter returns.

"Well, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now, you must choose where you want to spend eternity."

He reflects for a minute and then answers, "Well, I would never would have thought it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better satisfied in Hell."

So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator, and down, down, down he goes into Hell. Now, the doors of the elevator open, and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. And it's hot, hot, hot, and the odor is just horrible.

Sweltering hot. Hot and miserable. The Devil comes over to him and smoothly lays his arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "The day before I was here, and there was a golf course and club, and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is is a wasteland full of garbage, and my friends look miserable."

The Devil looks at the senator, smiles, and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us."

oceanflower

11-08-2006, 07:57 PM

Marlow

11-08-2006, 08:07 PM

Great one Jez. And very appropriate. : )

musi

11-09-2006, 05:53 AM

hehe, i've heard the same joke about Bill Gates :-) nice!

Marlow

11-16-2006, 12:26 PM

Oh no Rachel is going to kill me. I've got a bunch of these this morning. I'll post the best.

#1
Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"

"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."

"Social Security sex?"

"Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

#2
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."

"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up!"

#3
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"

She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"

#4
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for "large."

The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.

"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.

The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."

musi

11-16-2006, 12:30 PM

good ones, Marlow! :-) and again, i've heard them in my language. now i think there is someone translating the jokes.. but which language was the original? :-)

Marlow

11-16-2006, 12:33 PM

Who knows? Sex jokes are universal. :-)

oceanflower

11-16-2006, 12:40 PM

You're very naughty, Marlow. http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y78/VelvetMorning/smilies%20and%20emoticons/grin-1.gif

Marlow

11-27-2006, 02:07 PM

The Sheriff and the Lawyer .......

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer and is certain that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense... Deputy says, "License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What for?"

Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Deputy says, "sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says, ........

"Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

__________________________________________________ ________________

Marlow

11-27-2006, 02:13 PM

I got another one today. If you've ever wondered why we live like we do, read on. :-)

Life Explained
> On the first day, God created the dog and said:
>
> "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who
> comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of
> twenty years."The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How
> about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
>
> So God agreed.
>
> On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain
> people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a
> twenty-year life span."
>
> The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a
> pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?"
>
> And God agreed.
>
> On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go
> into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun,
> have calves
>
> and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give
> you a life span of sixty years."
>
> The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for
> sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And
> God agreed again.
>
> On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep,
> play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
>
> But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me
> my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back,
> and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
>
> "Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
>
> So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play
> and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to
> support our
>
> family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the
> grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch
> and bark
>
> at everyone.
>
> Life has now been explained to you
>
> Now go forth.

oceanflower

11-27-2006, 02:21 PM

I'm calling the Senior Citizens Anti-Defamation League, Marlow. http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y78/VelvetMorning/smilies%20and%20emoticons/tongue0011.gif

Marlow

11-28-2006, 12:12 PM

Why men lie
>
>
> > >One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a
> > tree above a river,
> > >his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the
> > Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

> > > The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into
> > water.

> > > The Lord went down into the water and reappeared
> > with a golden axe.
> > "Is
> > >this your axe?" the Lord asked.

> > > The woodcutter replied, "No."

> > > The Lord again went down and came up with a silver
> > axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. Again, the woodcutter
> > replied, "No."

> > > The Lord went down again and came up with an iron
> > axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

> > > The woodcutter replied, "Yes."

> > > The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and
> > gave him all three axes
> > >to keep, and the woodcutter went home happily.

> > > One day while he was walking with his wife along
> > the riverbank, the woodcutter's wife fell into the river. When he cried
> > out, the Lord again
> > >appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

> > > "Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"

> > > The Lord went down into the water and came up with
> > Jennifer Lopez. "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.

> > > "Yes," cried the woodcutter.

> > > The Lord was furious. "You cheat! That is an
> > untruth!"

> > > The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord.
> > It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I said 'no' to Jennifer
> > Lopez, You will come
> > >up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also say 'no'
> > to her, You will thirdly come up with my wife, and I will say 'yes,'
> > and then all three will
> > >be given to me. But Lord, I am a poor man and I will
> > not be able to take
> > >care of all three wives, so that's why I said yes
> > this time."

> > > The moral of the story is whenever a man lies, it
> > is for an honorable and useful reason

oceanflower

11-28-2006, 12:36 PM

Why men lie
whenever a man lies, it
> > is for an honorable and useful reason

http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y78/VelvetMorning/smilies%20and%20emoticons/uhuh.gif http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y78/VelvetMorning/smilies%20and%20emoticons/pie.gif

Marlow

12-04-2006, 12:22 PM

Hope you like these. No offense to blondes. :-)

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed;
likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

BLONDE LOGIC
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????"

Marlow

12-04-2006, 12:43 PM

Oh I just got another that I couldn't prevent myself from posting. :-) Social Security for those from outside the US is our retirement and disability system.

Age Verification

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt." So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me", and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants... you might have gotten disability, too."

musi

12-04-2006, 12:49 PM

hehe, good ones, Marlow!

here is a joke i heard at a concert last week:

A blond decided to get out of town, change her haircolor to black, so that people wouldn't know she is blond, and start a new life. She came to a very small town very far away, saw a shepard with a flock of sheep and thought she would test it all on him. she came up to him and said:
"I will now guess with the power of my brain how many sheep you have in your flock and you will give me one sheep if i am correct".
"Ok", said the shepard.
"There are 176 sheep in your flock", said the blond.
"Wow, you are absolutely right, pick a sheep and take it - it is yours", said the shepard.
The blond picked a sheep and started walking back when the shepard told her:
"I will now guess your natural haircolor"
"Ok, do it", said the blond.
"You are blond and put the dog down", said the shepard.

Marlow

12-04-2006, 02:50 PM

Hahaha. I've heard that one before. Why do we pick on the poor blonds?

musi

12-04-2006, 03:45 PM

Hahaha. I've heard that one before. Why do we pick on the poor blonds?

yes, there is nothing sacred for us :-) lol

Rachel

12-05-2006, 08:33 PM

Hope you like these. No offense to blondes. :-)

well........CAN YOU?

Marlow

12-05-2006, 11:18 PM

well........CAN YOU?

Can I what?

edit: Oh now I get it. No I can't see Florida either.

Jezebel

12-07-2006, 06:30 PM

Why did the chicken cross the road?

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on "THIS" side of the road before it goes after the problem on the "OTHER SIDE" of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his "CURRENT" problems before adding "NEW" problems.

OPRAH: Well I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

DONALD RUMSFELD: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

ANDERSON COOPER/CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am for it now, and will remain against it.

JUDGE JUDY: That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain. Alone.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2006, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. The Platform is much more stable and will never cra..#@&&^( C \..... reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I lose one?

Jezebel

12-07-2006, 06:37 PM

Joke for the musicians

An Upscale Bar: C, E-flat and G entered a bar. The bartender said, "Sorry, I don't serve minors." The E-flat left and the C and G had an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth was diminished and the G was out flat. An F entered and tried to augment the situation but was not sharp enough. A D entered and excused himself to the bathroom, saying, "I'll just be a second." An A entered but the bartender wasn't convinced that this relative of C was not a minor. Then the bartender noticed a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar. He exclaimed, "Get out, right now! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight." The next night the E-flat returned to the bar in a 3-piece suit. The bartender said, "You're looking sharp tonight. This could be a major development." This was the case, when the E-flat took off the suit and everything else to stand there au natural. Eventually, the C sobered up and realized in horror that he was under a rest. He was brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and was sentenced to ten years of D.S. without the possibility of a Coda. On appeal, he was found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, because the accusation was bassless. The bartender decided he needed a rest--and closed the bar.

Marlow

12-18-2006, 12:30 PM

This is bad, :embarrass but it was so bad that it was funny. At least for me. :D :p

Einstein's birthday. He would have been 107.

Few people remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa
Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919. He stated that he
was attracted to Elsa because she was well endowed, and postulated that
if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is
stronger if there is a DNA connection.

This came to be known as Einstein's Theory of Relative Titty.

Oh shut up - - - I don't write them I just forward them.

oceanflower

12-18-2006, 12:46 PM

This is bad, :embarrass but it was so bad that it was funny. At least for me. :D :p

Now this may sound "blonde" (no offence, all you blondes ;)), but did Einstein really say that bit about the DNA connection (no...not the titty part)?

Marlow

12-18-2006, 04:48 PM

Now this may sound "blonde" (no offence, all you blondes ;)), but did Einstein really say that bit about the DNA connection (no...not the titty part)?

LOL No I doubt he said any of that. :D

oceanflower

12-19-2006, 03:25 AM

LOL No I doubt he said any of that. :D

Thank God! I can put his picture back up on the wall. ;)

Marlow

12-19-2006, 12:27 PM

Now coincindentally it was my birthday last week, but I assure you this is completely made up. ;)

Why I fired my Secretary:
>
>
> Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me.
>As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone " Happy Birthday."
I thought...Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids....They will remember.
>My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
>As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday ! "
>It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
>I worked until one o'clock , when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."
>I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go !"
>We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
>On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day...We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We?"
>I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind ?"
>She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."
>After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."
>"Ok." I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ...Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".
>
>
>
>
>
>And I just sat there...
>
>
>
>On the couch...
>
>
>
>Naked.

musi

12-19-2006, 01:24 PM

hahahahaha... :good:

Star_Anise

12-20-2006, 02:22 AM

*shakes head at Marlow's dedication to poor taste, but which always manages a groan and a laugh*

I was sent this one today, my friend thinking the new graduates would get a laugh out of it.

Why God Never Received Tenure at a University

1.) He had only one major publication.

2.) Furthermore, his one publication:
- was in Hebrew
- has no references
- was not published in a refereed journal
- and some even doubt he wrote it himself

3.) It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since?

4.) His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.

5.) The scientific community has had a very rough time trying to replicate his results.

6.) He has never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects.

7.) When one experiment went awry, he tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.

8.) When subjects didn’t behave as predicted, he often punished them or just deleted them from the sample.

9.) He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.

10.) He had his son teach the class.

11.) He expelled his first two students for learning.

12.) Though there were only ten requirements, most students failed the test.

13.) His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountaintop.

musi

12-20-2006, 01:18 PM

good one, Star! :good:

Marlow

12-21-2006, 12:39 PM

I found this funny.

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man
> he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
>
> The man said, "I do Father."
> The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
> Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
> Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there
> against the wall," said the priest.
> Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go
> to heaven?"
> O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
> The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when
> you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
> O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group
> together to go right now."

musi

12-21-2006, 12:44 PM

Marlow, you reminded me of a joke my boyfriend has on the wall in his room here:

There are only two things in life to worry about:

Whether you are well or whether you are sick.

If you are well, then there is nothing to worry about.

But if you are sick, there are only two things to worry about:

Whether you are going to get well or whether you are going to die.

If you get well, then there is nothing to worry about.

But if you die, there are only two things to worry about:

Whether you are going to go to heaven or whether you are going to go to hell.

If you go to heaven, then you have nothing to worry about.

But if you go to hell, you'll be so busy shaking hands with all your friends, that you won't have time to worry!

Star_Anise

12-21-2006, 12:48 PM

Lol, musi, too true!

Marlow

12-21-2006, 12:52 PM

Very good Musi.

Winifred

12-21-2006, 01:46 PM

Those last two are funny. To change channels:

Wise Advice From Kids

Never try to baptize a cat. – Eileen, Age 7

Never trust a dog to watch your food. – Patrick, Age 9

When your dad is mad and asks you “Do I look stupid?’ don’t answer him. – Michael, Age 8

Never tell you mom her diet is not working. – John, Age 8

Stay away from prunes. – Randy, Age 9

Don’t squat with your spurs on. – Buddy, Age 7

Don’t pull you dad’s finger when he asks you to. – Emily, Age 8

When your mom is mad at your dad, don’t let her brush your hair. – Taylia, Age 9

Don’t sneeze in front of your mom when you are eating crackers. – Mitchell, Age 7

Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a Tic Tac. – Andrew, Age 7

If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse. – Naomi, Age 9

Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time. – Kyoyo, Age 8

Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. – Lauren, Age 8

Don’t pick on your sister when she’s holding a baseball bat. – Joel, Age 8

When you get a bad grade, show it to your mom when she’s on the phone. – Alyesha, Age 8

Star_Anise

12-22-2006, 05:22 AM

Excellent advice, all of it!:D

Jezebel

12-25-2006, 03:38 AM

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

So, frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Marlow

01-10-2007, 11:45 AM

Cake Or Bed

A Husband Is At Home Watching A
Football Game When His Wife Interrupts,

Honey,
Could You Fix The Light In The Hallway?
It's Been Flickering For Weeks Now.

He Looks At Her And Says Angrily,
Fix The Lights Now?
Does It Look Like I Have
Ge Written On My Forehead?
I Don't Think So.

Fine,

Then The Wife Asks,
Well Then, Could You Fix The Fridge Door?
It Won't Close Right

To Which He Replied,
Fix The Fridge Door?
Does It Look Like I Have Westinghouse
Written On My Forehe Ad?
I Don't Think So

Fine, She Says
Then You Could At Least Fix The Steps
To The Front Door?
They Are About To Break

I'm Not A Carpenter And I Don't
Want To Fix Steps.
He Says, Does It Look Like I Have
Ace Hardware Written On My Forehead?
I Don't Think So
I've Had Enough Of You.
I'm Going To The Bar!!!!

So He Goes To The Bar And Drinks For A
Couple Of Hours...................................

He Starts To Feel Guilty About How
He Treated His Wife, And Decides
To Go Home

As He Walks Into The House He Notices
That The Steps Are Already Fixed.

As He Enters The House, He Sees The
Hall Light Is Working.

As He Goes To Get A Beer, He Notices
The Fridge Door Is Fixed.

Honey, He Asks, How'd All This Get Fixed?
She Said, Well, When You Left I Sat
Outside And Cried.

J Ust Then A Nice Young Man Asked Me
What Was Wrong, And I Told Him.

He Offered To Do All The Repairs, And
All I Had To Do Was Either
Go To Bed With Him Or Bake A Cake.

He Said,
So What Kind Of Cake Did You Bake?

She Replied,
Hellooooo..
Do You See Betty Crocker Written
On My Forehead?
I Don't Think So!

Jeru

01-10-2007, 10:38 PM

I hated going to weddings. Old grandparents would always point at me and say "you're next". Well, they stopped doing that when I began doing the same to them at funerals.

Marlow

01-16-2007, 12:24 PM

Youthful Wisdom on the Opposite Sex

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)
(1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should
keep the chips and dip coming.
- Alan, age 10

(2) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who
you're stuck with.
- Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
(1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
- Camille, age 10

(2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
(1) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
(1) Both don't want any more kids.
- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
(1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

(2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
- Martin, age 10 (Who said boys do not have brains)

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
(1) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
(1) When they're rich.
- Pam, age 7 (I could not have said it better myself)

(2) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- Curt, age 7 (Good Point)

(3 ) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- Howard, age 8 (Who made the rule)

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
(1 ) I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out.
- Theodore, age 8 (Too much detail for his age)

(2 ) It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

(1 ) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favourite is........

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

(1 ) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
- Ricky, age 10 ( The boy already understands)

oceanflower

01-16-2007, 07:40 PM

I hated going to weddings. Old grandparents would always point at me and say "you're next". Well, they stopped doing that when I began doing the same to them at funerals.

:D:D:D

oceanflower

01-16-2007, 07:42 PM

Those kids' quotes are so cute, Marlow! :):):)

Marlow

01-17-2007, 12:12 PM

I got a good chuckle out of this.

Homer, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He
> sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The
> news was on.
> The
> news crew was covering the story of a man on a ledge of a large
> building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Homer and said, "Do
> you think he'll jump?" Homer says, "You know, I bet he'll jump." The
> blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Homer placed $20 on the bar
> and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar,
> the guy did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. The
> blonde was very upset and handed her $20 to Homer, saying, "Fair's
> fair. Here's your money." Homer replied, "I can't take your money. I
> saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump." The
> blonde replied, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."
> Homer took the money.

Marlow

01-18-2007, 11:36 AM

Ethnic joke, but it's just a joke. No one should take offense. I found it too funny not to post.

>A Greek and an Italian were sitting down one day debating who had the
>>superior culture.
>>The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon."
>>The Italian says, "We have the Coliseum."
>>
>>The Greek says, "We had great mathematicians."
>>
>>The Italian says, "We had the Roman Empire."
>>And so on and so on for hours, until finally the Greek lights up and
>>says...
>>We invented sex."
>>The Italian nods slowly and thinks, then replies,
>>
>>"That is true -- but it was Italians who introduced it to women."

Winifred

01-19-2007, 01:36 AM

Oceanflower says:

Those kids' quotes are so cute, Marlow!

I agree, Marlow, they are funny!

Marlow

01-21-2007, 04:47 AM

This didn't happen to me. But I can see it happening some day. ;)

cranky man
I chanced to pass a window

While walking through a mall

With nothing much upon my mind,

Quite blank as I recall. I noticed in that window

A cranky-faced old man,

And why he looked so cranky

I didn't understand. Just why he looked at ME that way

Was more than I could see

Until I came to realize

That cranky man was ME!

Marlow

01-22-2007, 12:20 PM

Some of these are true, but some aren't. I guess then i haven't completely grown up.

25 signs that you've grown up for good

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next doorwon't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You take naps.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good shit."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh shit, what the hell happened?"

Bonus:

26: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old butt; Then you forward it to a bunches of old friends 'cause you know they'll enjoy it too.

oceanflower

01-22-2007, 11:37 PM

Those are great, Marlow. And yes, I will be forwarding the list to some fellow oldies. :D

Star_Anise

01-23-2007, 07:59 AM

Nope, still a young 'un here!

Winifred

01-23-2007, 11:55 AM

5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.

Ah yes. I still remember the first time I heard the Beatles turned into elevator music. And that was years ago......:)

Marlow

01-23-2007, 12:06 PM

I suspect most of these are fabricated, but funny nonetheless.

Actual notes made on hospital charts:

The patient refused autopsy.

The patient has no previous history of suicides.

Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

Healthy appearing, decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

She is numb from her toes down.

While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

The skin was moist and dry.

Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

Skin: somewhat pale but present.

The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities

Marlow

01-25-2007, 12:48 PM

Out of the Mouths of Babes...

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister.
> After
> a while he asked: "Mom, why have you got two? Is one for hot and one
> for cold milk?"
>
> MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she
> was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't
> remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to
> six."
>
> STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight. "I love you so
> much, that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window,"
>
> BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in
> vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom
> explained it was a childproof cap and she'd have to open it for her.
> Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's
> me?"
>
> SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please
> don't give me this juice again," she said, "it makes my teeth cough."
>
> MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and
> kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked
> his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"
>
> CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked
> what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with
> this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"
>
> JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man
> named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his
> wife looked back and was turned to salt. Concerned, James asked: "What
> happened to the flea?"
>
> TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather
> wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then
> asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"
>
>
> The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget. this particular Sunday
> sermon... "Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward
> heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are
> but dust."
> He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter
> (who was listening)! leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her
> shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?

Butt dust?? LOL.:D

Marlow

01-29-2007, 12:47 PM

I'm sure if you want to tailor this joke to who you're current hated political foe is, you can easily do so. I was reading this while sipping a cup of tea and chewing on a piece of pound cake and I nearly sprayed my computer screen from the laughter. :) :D

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living.

All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman,doctor, lawyer, and so forth.

However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?" "No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Hillary Clinton to be our next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids.

oceanflower

01-29-2007, 03:30 PM

Marlow

01-30-2007, 12:31 PM

DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!
>
> Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she
> had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave
> the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the
> counter, and I'll mail you a cheque ."
>
> "Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldogSpike. He won't bother you.
> But,
> whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"
> "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"
>
> When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he
> discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen.
> But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet
> watching the repairman go about his work.
>
> The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant
> yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't
> contain himself any longer and yelled,
>
> "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"
>
> To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"
>
>
> See - Men just don't listen

musi

01-30-2007, 01:12 PM

hillarious, Marlow!!!!!! :D:good:

Marlow

01-31-2007, 12:22 PM

Ladies, read the whole thing before you curse me...

WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY

* There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their asses.

I thought the results were pretty interesting:

* 25% of women think their ass is too fat...

* 10% of women think their ass is too skinny...

* 65% say that they don't care; they love him, he's

a good man, and they would have married him anyway...

Marlow

02-05-2007, 01:08 PM

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived a blind little
>bunny and an blind little snake. One day, the bunny was hopping through
>the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the
>bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked
>the snake about quite a bit.
>
>"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you.
>I've
>been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, I
>don't even know what I am."
>
>"It's quite okay," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the
>same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth. Tell you what,
>maybe I could kinda slither over you, and figure out what you are, so
>at least you'll have that going for you."
>
>"Oh, that would be wonderful," replied the bunny.
>
>So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're
>covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches;
>and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny."
>
>"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny in obvious excitement.
>
>The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you with my paw,
>and help you the same way you've helped me."
>
>So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're scaly
>and smooth, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd
>say you must be either a politician, an attorney, or possibly someone
>in upper management."

Marlow

02-06-2007, 11:56 AM

For those who may not know, Abby is a famous advice columnist in the US.

LETTERS DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER

Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity,
Fowl Language and Violence On My VCR?

Dear Abby,
I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much,
I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boy friend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby,
I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?

Dear Abby,
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.

Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going
through mental pause.

Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?

Marlow

02-07-2007, 12:53 PM

Those Rabiis are very wise...;)

Sabbath Sex
A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question.
After consulting the bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."
The man thinks: " What does a priest know about sex?" So he goes to a minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!
Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. In other words, he goes to a rabbi.
The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely play." The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?" The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."

H. Caulfeild

02-12-2007, 02:40 AM

http://www.smbc-comics.com/comics/20061014.gif

vierdreieins

02-12-2007, 08:21 AM

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.
"But we didn't use them", the man complains.
"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again.
"Well, we have them, and you could have", the Manager replies.
No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.
"But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $50."
"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $300 for sleeping with my wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."

Marlow

02-12-2007, 11:54 AM

LOL. I loved it. I wonder what my wife would say if told her that. :D

oceanflower

02-12-2007, 12:02 PM

LOL. I loved it. I wonder what my wife would say if told her that. :D

http://www.freewebs.com/dodgydiamond/warningballs-small.jpg :D

Marlow

02-12-2007, 12:09 PM

Lol!!!

Marlow

02-13-2007, 12:52 PM

A cute one, and appropriate for the forum.

A Blonde buying curtains

A blonde enters a store that sells curtains.
She tells the salesman, I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains.
The salesman assured her that they had a large selection of pink curtains.
He showed her several patterns, but the blond seemed to be having a hard time choosing.
Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print.
The salesman asked what size curtains she needed the blond replies fifteen inches Fifteen inches???
Asked the salesman. That sounds very small, what room are they for? The blond tells him that they aren't for a room; they are for her computer monitor.
The surprised salesman replies but, Miss, computers do not have curtains.
The blond says, Hellllooooooooo........I've got Windows!

Marlow

02-20-2007, 11:52 AM

I don't know if this is really true, but funny nonetheless. Given what some of our female celebrities have done recently, one longs for celebities such as Julie Andrews. I'm getting to that age where i can relate to this. By the way, for those outside the US, AARP is a senior citizen organization. I forget what it stands for.

Great alternate lyrics...

> >To commemorate her 69th birthday on October 1, 2006 actress/vocalist,
>Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP. One of the musical numbers she performed was "My Favorite Things" from the legendary movie "Sound Of Music."
> >
> >Here are the lyrics she used:
>
> >
> >Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
> >Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
> >Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
> >These are a few of my favorite things.
> >
> >Cadillacs and cataracts and hearing aids and glasses,
> >Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
> >Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
> >These are a few of my favorite things.
> >
> >When the pipes leak,
> >When the bones creak,
> >When the knees go bad,
> >I simply remember my favorite things,
> >And then I don't feel so bad.
> >
> >Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
> >No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
> >Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
> >These are a few of my favorite things.
> >
> >Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinnin',
> >Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
> >And we won't mention our short shrunken *****s,
> >When we remember our favorite things.
> >
> >When the joints ache,
> >When the hips break,
> >When the eyes grow dim,
> >Then I remember the great life I've had,
> >And then I don't feel so bad.
> >
> >(Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted
>over
> >four minutes with repeated encores.)

Winifred

02-21-2007, 03:34 AM

This is too long to post in its entirety as a joke, but I am struggling with Derrida's deconstruction essays (thank goodness Derrida himself had a sense of humor), and I find it very funny:

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/27794/print/

In summary: Grad Student Deconstructs Take-Out Menu

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Jon Rosenblatt, 27, a Harvard University English graduate student specializing in modern and postmodern critical theory, deconstructed the take-out menu of a local Mexican restaurant "out of sheer force of habit" Monday.

By seeking to define its food's cultural identity as "Mexican," menu reflects the problematic reliance on systematized "binary oppositions," (in this case, "Mexican" versus "Non-Mexican") which form the inadequate foundations of traditional, pre-deconstructional Western metaphysics.

and so on...

Star_Anise

02-21-2007, 10:25 PM

In summary: Grad Student Deconstructs Take-Out Menu

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Jon Rosenblatt, 27, a Harvard University English graduate student specializing in modern and postmodern critical theory, deconstructed the take-out menu of a local Mexican restaurant "out of sheer force of habit" Monday.

It's a bad habit you have to nip in the bud! Cultural studies had me deconstructing anything from advertising to Harry Potter, reflexively. I still do it on occasion. Studying scriptwriting can also be a killer for ever enjoying a movie, ever again.

Reminds me of this one I found at McSweeney's :UNUSED AUDIO COMMENTARY BY HOWARD ZINN AND NOAM CHOMSKY, RECORDED FOR THE RETURN OF THE KING (PLATINUM SERIES EXTENDED EDITION) DVD, PART ONE OF FOUR. (http://www.mcsweeneys.net/2005/3/18ring.html)

Marlow

02-23-2007, 12:47 PM

Number 6 sounds like it could happen to Ali. ;)

These are some of the best "Out-of-Office" email auto replies - feel
>free to use them at will.
>
>1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I
>fail to get the position.
>
>2: I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you.
>
>3: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of
>the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received
>anything at all.
>
>4: Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain
>removed so that I may be promoted to management
>
>5: I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send
>me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your
>mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
>
>6: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99
>for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
>
>7: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is
>unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try
>sending again. (The beauty of this one is that when you return, you can
>see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).
>
>8: Thank you for your message, which has been added to a Queuing system.
>You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in
>approximately 19 weeks.
>
>9: Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your
>PC for my response.
>
>10: Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to
>leave me any messages.
>
>11: I've run away to join a different circus.
>
>
>AND FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE :
>
>12: I will be out of the office for the next 4-6 weeks for medical
>reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of
>'Steve'.

AliOmalley

02-26-2007, 03:12 AM

http://salon.com/comics/tomo/2007/02/26/tomo/story.jpg

H. Caulfeild

02-26-2007, 03:55 AM

nice o'malley, i betcha twenty bucks marlow is looking for one about liberals right now...

Marlow

02-26-2007, 01:59 PM

Here's a cute one that Rachel will approve ;) .

Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots?

He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get t he boots back on, this time on the right feet. He then announced, "These aren't my boots."

She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?", like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em."

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again .

Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens? He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."

She will be eligible for parole in three years.

Marlow

02-26-2007, 02:02 PM

Hey, another one today. :D

WATER vs WINE

It has been scientifically proven that if we
Drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the
Year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of
Escherichia coli bacteria found in feces. In other
Words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop!

However, we do not run that risk when
Drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, vodka, beer or other
Liquors) because alcohol has to go through a
Distillation process of boiling, filtering, and
Fermenting.

It is better to drink wine and talk crap ..
Than to drink water and be full of crap

There is no need to thank me for this valuable
Information. I am doing it as a public service

Marlow

03-07-2007, 12:33 PM

Thought you might like these. ;)

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I
>> got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
>>> I decided to
>>> take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated,
>>> jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards
>> on,
>>> the
>>> class was over.

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up
>>> to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?
>>> "98," she replied. "Two years older than me."
>>> "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded,
>>> "Hardly worth going home is it?"

A 97 year old man goes into his doctor's office and says,
>>> "Doc, I
>>> want my sex drive lowered." "Sir", replied the doctor, "You're 97.
>> Don't you
>>> think your sex drive is all in your head?" "You're darned right
>>> it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!"

An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will
>> and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests.
>>> First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes
>>> scattered over Bloomingdales.
>>> "Bloomingdales?" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Bloomingdales?"
>>> "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

Marlow

03-14-2007, 02:17 PM

On A Plane
>
> A Government Engineer was seated next to a little girl on the airplane
> when the engineer turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard
> that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your
> fellow passenger."
>
> The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and
> said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"
>
> Oh, I don't know", said the stranger. "How about Armament Technology ?"
>
> "OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask
> you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff.
> Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat
> patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose
> that is?"
>
> The Government Engineer thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea,"
>
> To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to
> discuss Armament Technology when you don't know shit?"
>

Marlow

03-26-2007, 12:18 PM

Sorry for the political humor, but Bill has long been out of office and this is too funny to resist.

Students at Sacramento State, were assigned to read 2 books & complete a short report, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill Clinton.

One smart ass student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave him an "A" for this report:

> Titanic: $29.99

> Clinton: $29.99

> Titanic: Over 3 hours to read

> Clinton: Over 3 hours to read

> Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe.

> Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love,
and subsequent catastrophe.

> Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.

> Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist.

> Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.

> Clinton: Ditto for Bill.

> Titanic: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.

> Clinton: Ditto for Monica.

> Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.

> Clinton: Let's not go there.

> Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.

> Clinton: Monica's forced to return her gifts.

> Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.

> Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

> Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.

> Clinton: Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.

> Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.

> Clinton: Bill goes home to Hillary...basically the same thing.

musi

03-26-2007, 12:24 PM

Sorry for the political humor, but Bill has long been out of office and this is too funny to resist.

hahahahahahahahahaha.. thank you, Marlow! amazing! :D :good:

Marlow

03-26-2007, 12:32 PM

Two Jokes today. ;) :p

To Be Six Again

> A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife
> turning
> back
> and forth, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday
> was
> not
> far
> off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday. I'd like
> to be
> six
> again, she replied, still looking in the mirror.
>
> On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice
> big
> bowl of
> Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags He put her on
> every ride
> in
> the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming
> Monster
> Roller
> Coaster, everything there was.
>
> Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head
> was
> reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a
> McDonald's
> where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a
> chocolate
> shake.
> Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her
> favorite
> candy,
> M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
>
> Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed
> exhausted.
> He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked,
> "Well
> Dear,
> what was it like being six again?"
>
> Her eyes slowly opened and her _expression suddenly changed. "I
> meant my dress size, you dumb a $$ !"
>
> The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is
> gonna get it wrong.

musi

03-26-2007, 12:42 PM

Two Jokes today. ;) :p

:D :good: :good: :good: :good: :good:

Marlow

03-29-2007, 12:44 PM

A series of short marriage/divorce jokes. ;)

Why were hurricanes usually named after women?
Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but
when they go, they take your house and car.

---------------------------------------------------------------------
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove
seemed way too qualified for the job.
"Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual
experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied.? "I've been divorced three times."

----------------------------------------------------------------

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can
remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me
the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation,
"I now pronounce you man and wife."

----------------------------------------------------------------

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father
escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.
The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.

----------------------------------------------------------------
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

Marlow

03-29-2007, 01:36 PM

Hey, another one. But Rachel will not like me posting this one. But it was just too funny. ;)

A New Yorker was driving through a remote part of Texas when her
>> > car
>> broke down.
>> >
>> > An American Indian on horseback came along and offered to give her
>> > a
> ride to a nearby town.
>> >
>> > She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride
>> > was
>> uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a
>> "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a" so loud it echoed off the surrounding hills.
>> >
>> > When they arrived in town, the Indian let her off at the local
>> > service
> station, yelled one final "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a -a-a!" and rode off.
>> >
>> > A service station attendant asked the woman what she did to get the
>> Indian so excited and she said, "Nothing, I just sat behind him, put
>> my arms around his waist and held onto the saddle horn, so I wouldn't
>> fall off."
>> >
>> > "Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles

Winifred

04-02-2007, 01:39 AM

Lars, a Norwegian from Cook County in northern Minnesota, was an older, single gentleman who was born and raised a Lutheran. Each Friday night after work, he would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak.

Now, all of Lars's neighbors were Catholic, and since it was Lent, they were prohibited from eating meat on Fridays. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The priest came to visit Lars, and suggested that Lars convert to Catholicism. After several classes and much study, Lars attended Mass, and as the priest sprinkled holy water over Lars, he said, "You were born a Lutheran and raised a Lutheran, but now you are a Catholic."

Lars's neighbors were greatly relieved. But when Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood, the priest was immediately called in and, as he rushed into Lars's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold Lars, he stopped in amazement and watched.

There stood Lars, clutching a small bottle of water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat, and chanted, "You were born a deer, and raised a deer, but now you are a walleye".

courtesy of Garrison Keillor.

Marlow

04-05-2007, 11:40 AM

never make this mistake...

The husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wife's birthday...

His wife told him, "Tomorrow there'd better be something in the
driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat".

The next morning the wife found a small package on the driveway...

When she opened the package, she found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday.

Marlow

04-05-2007, 11:59 AM

Here are some newly discovered laws of the universe...

These are the laws of the natural universe .....

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, that is when the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.

Theatre Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last

Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

musi

04-05-2007, 12:12 PM

aah, Marlow, you should post here every day for days that suck, like today. :)

Marlow

04-05-2007, 02:56 PM

OK, then if you're having a bad day musi here's another. I hope you like this one. May not be funny to women.

A young guy from Wisconsin moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Wisconsin."

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I' ll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.

How many customers bought something from you today? The kid says "one".

The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says "$101,237.65".

The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook.

Then I sold him a new fishing rod.

Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft.

Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.

musi

04-05-2007, 04:10 PM

he, a very good one, Marlow. i'll tell it to my boyfriend tonight.

Marlow

04-09-2007, 11:20 AM

You may have seen this one before...but cute.

A mother is driving her 7 year-old daughter to her friend's house for a play date when the little girl asks "Mommy," how old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replies sweetly. "It's not polite."

"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, a bit less sweetly. "Those are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

"That's enough questions, young lady, honestly!" mom says as her daughter is getting out of the car.

The exasperated mother drives away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly,
"I know why you and daddy got a divorce."
Now mom's getting mad. She says, "Oh really? And just why is that, young lady?"

"Because you got an F in sex."

musi

04-09-2007, 11:37 AM

:D :good:

Marlow

04-09-2007, 02:23 PM

Here's one for the guys...

Men strike back!

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

oceanflower

04-09-2007, 02:34 PM

Here's one for the guys...

These two are directly related. The second one causes the first.:

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
------------------------------------------------------------------- :p:p:p:p

Rachel

04-10-2007, 06:21 PM

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. " So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. " For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf." …

Marlow

04-10-2007, 07:49 PM

Hahaha. Not the kind of joke I would expect from Rachel. :D

Jeru

04-11-2007, 02:42 AM

http://img244.imageshack.us/img244/125/n5846656951474976785ts7.jpg

Cheesy.

Star_Anise

04-11-2007, 02:46 AM

Cheesy.

But hilarious! I think you just helped my headache go away...thanks!

Marlow

04-19-2007, 12:59 PM

May have heard of this one before, but cute.

An elderly (in his mid-90's) gentleman, nicely dressed,
with hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in
his lapel, smelling slightly of a good after shave,
presenting a well cared for image, walks into an
upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an
elderly lady (mid 80's), also well dressed and
attractive, is sitting alone. The gentleman walks over,
sits down beside her, orders a drink, takes a sip,
turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?

musi

04-20-2007, 06:33 AM

:good: , Marlow!

marcyboy

04-20-2007, 06:41 AM

Lol :)

musi

04-20-2007, 08:20 AM

a very old rich man, whose teeth are falling out, who is all in wrinkles and who can barely walk wakes up in the morning beside a completely gorgeous blonde. he gets up, walks to the mirror, looks at how horribly old and disgusting looking he is and says: "How greatly she loves.. money".:)

Marlow

04-23-2007, 12:57 PM

Got to be careful what one says. :D

What's in a name?

I attended a party this past weekend.

After checking out all the well-dressed guests at the party, I spotted an attractive woman (standing alone) across the room. When I approached and asked her name, She coyly replied... "Carmen."

Trying to maintain some sort of conversation with her, I responded with "That's a beautiful name, Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself, because it reflects the things I like most in the world - cars and men."

Then she asked, "What's your name?"

"Golfboobs," I blurted accidently. Ooops.

Winifred

04-27-2007, 03:58 AM

For the creative and opinionated among us: make your own political cartoon:

http://www.funnytimes.com/playground/

Star_Anise

04-27-2007, 05:09 AM

For the creative and opinionated among us: make your own political cartoon:

http://www.funnytimes.com/playground/

Hehe, if only John Howard were there....

musi

05-08-2007, 07:09 AM

LANGUAGE IN THE EU
The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of negotiations, Her Majesty Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Eurish for short).
In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will reseive this news with joy.
Also, the hard "c" will be replased with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replased by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always been a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent leters like "e"s in the languag is disgraful, and they would go.
By the forth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v".
During ze fifz year ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining"ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters like droping the "a" from "ea".
After zis fifz year, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trobls or difikultis and evrion vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali hef kum zru.

musi

05-08-2007, 07:12 AM

We have EU day tomorrow, so our forum at work is filled with jokes about EU

1. Q: How many EU ministers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It would take just one of them, but they can't do it since the EU manual for changing light bulbs hasn't been translated into their native language yet.

2. Q: How many people work at the European Commission?
A: About a fourth of them.

3. Two wealthy businessmen, one from Western-Europe, the other from Eastern-Europe are discussing about how they made their fortunes based on EU funds. The West-European takes him to Germany and says: "See this highway? It was funded by EU with 10 million euros, but the real costs were only 5 million euros! I let you figure the details." The Eastern takes him to Romania and says: "See this highway?" "I see no highway!" replies the West-European. "It was funded by EU with 5 million!" the East-European replies. "I let you figure the details."

4. To be truly European is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and listen to an Italian opera on a Dutch CD player!

5. A prize was to be awarded for the first person to discover a horse with black and white stripes like a zebra. A German, a Frenchman, an Englishman and a Spaniard participated hoping to win the prize of 1,000,000 euros. The German decided to spend weeks in the National library researching into horses with black and white stripes. The Englishman went straight to a shop in Piccadilly which specialises in hunting gear, bought all the equipment necessary and set off for Africa in his quest for this strange creature. The Frenchman bought himself a horse and painted it black and white. The Spaniard went to the best restaurant he knew in Madrid, ordered an expensive meal for himself with a fine bottle of wine; after the meal he ordered an expensive Havana cigar and a Napoleon brandy, sat in a luxurious arm-chair in the hotel and began to consider what he would do with the 1,000,000 euros once he had found this remarkable horse with black and white stripes.

6. How the EU works: In Germany, they make the rules, in Britain, they obey the rules, in France, they bend the rules, in Spain, they break the rules and in Italy they have no rules at all.

Winifred

05-09-2007, 12:21 AM

:D:good:

musi

05-11-2007, 08:50 AM

It seems I won some award by finding and posting this old joke at our forum at work:

http://www.lct-consultants.org/news/europeans.jpg

Jeru

05-23-2007, 11:10 PM

"Doctor! Doctor!" a man says to a psychiatrist. "You've got to help me! I keep thinking that I'm a deck of cards!"
"Sit over there," the shrink says. "I'll deal with you later."

A city councillor was giving a speech at a town hall meeting. He got carried away and talked for two hours. Finally, he realized what he had done and said, "I'm sorry I talked so long. I left my watch at home."
A voice from the back of the room replied, "There's a calendar behind you!"

James Wallace

06-16-2007, 02:56 AM

Well, talking of psychiatrists, enjoy this one:
A patient told a psychiatrist "Help me, doc! I keep having delusions all day that I see chicken playing soccer!"
Doctor:"Well, I'll give you a good medicine, you will be fine by tomorrow"
Patient: "no, not tomorrow please, they will have the final!"

musi

07-12-2007, 09:27 AM

A friend just sent me this link :) Hope you like it.

http://libo.ru/f7413.html

Star_Anise

07-12-2007, 11:52 AM

A friend just sent me this link :) Hope you like it.

Oh, I did, thank you very much!:D

"You will never produce a fifth-sixth-dominant-seventh chord with a wooden spoon, but you can also never eat with a piano."

Winifred

07-19-2007, 06:20 PM

A friend just sent me this link :) Hope you like it.

http://libo.ru/f7413.html

Great, мне очень нравится. спасибо большое!!:D

musi

07-20-2007, 05:52 AM

Great, мне очень нравится. спасибо большое!!:D

:D :good:

Winifred

08-14-2007, 09:30 PM

Two people from the old country were sitting on a park bench. A long-haired teenager walks by, and one oldster shakes his head and says, "I don't know about this new generation. Look at that shameless youngster. I cannot tell, is that a boy, or a girl. In our day, things were different!"

The other oldster turns to the first, frowning, and says, "I'll have you know, that boy is my son!"

"Oh, I'm sorry! Obviously, I didn't know you were his father."

"I'm not! I'm his mother."

shamelessly adapted from the middle of: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qj9B-d7iDkw&mode=related&search=

Jez

09-05-2007, 01:30 AM

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat.
As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman Boarding the plane.
He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate Would have it, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston.
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever Seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your Business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned From my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.
I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best Stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

musi

09-05-2007, 06:30 AM

Jez

09-05-2007, 10:34 AM

I guess some things are just universal :)

Marlow

09-06-2007, 02:09 AM

Hope you like this one:

Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter constantly is calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Sadie says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. And we know what that meant. Their first night there she undresses, as he does. There she stood, nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties. He in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks, "Why the black panties?" She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."

He knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following night the same scenario. She standing there with the black panties on and he in his birthday suit; except that he has an erection on which he has a black condom. She looks at him and asks, "What's with this ... a black condom?" He replies, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."

Jez

09-06-2007, 02:14 AM

:D Nice one Marlow

Jez

09-06-2007, 02:14 AM

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the yard scoots back into the house.
We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.
My wife went out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat ran upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away .. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me.
But it worked! I hauled her fat ass into the back yard!

Marlow

09-06-2007, 02:16 AM

Funny. :D

Jez

09-06-2007, 02:21 AM

Oh I've got more for ya :D

Jez

09-06-2007, 02:22 AM

Bubba applied for a position at the post office.

A Yankee applied for the same job and both applicants having the same
qualifications were asked to take a test by the manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions.

The manager went to Bubba and said: "Thank you for your interest, but we've
decided to give the Yankee the job."

Bubba asked: "And why are you giving him the job? We both got nine questions
correct. This being Warrenton Ga., and me being a Southern boy I should get
the job!"

The manager said: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but
rather on the one question that you both missed."

Bubba then asked: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than
the other?"

The manager replied: "Bubba, its like this. On question #4 the Yankee put
down; "I don't know."

You put down, "Neither do I "

Jez

09-06-2007, 02:23 AM

farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first.
So, he inserted his "manhood" into the equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was automatic.
Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'.
He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success.
Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line with his cell phone (Thank god for cell phones!).
"Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"
"Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons."
Have a nice day.....

Jez

09-06-2007, 02:24 AM

A blonde who had been unemployed for several months got a job
with Public Works. She was to paint lines down the center of
a rural road.

The supervisor told her that she was on probation and that
she must stay at or above the set average of two miles per
day to remain employed. The blonde agreed to the conditions
and started right away.

The supervisor checking up at the end of the day, found that
the blonde had completed four miles on her first day, double
the average! "Great," he told her, "I think you're really
going to work out."

The next day, however, he was disappointed to find that the
blonde only accomplished two miles. The supervisor thought,
"Well she's still at the average and I don't want to
discourage her, so I'll just keep quiet." The third day
however the blonde only did one mile and the boss thought,
"I need to talk to her before this gets any worse."

The boss pulled the new employee in and said, "You were doing
so great. The first day you did four miles, the second day
two miles, but yesterday you only did one mile. Why? Is there
a problem? An injury, equipment failure? What's keeping you
from meeting the two-mile minimum?"

The blonde replied "Well, each day I keep getting farther
and farther away from the bucket."

Marlow

09-06-2007, 02:24 AM

Hahaha, very good. Hold on. I got another too.

Marlow

09-06-2007, 02:25 AM

Here you go:

A newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole month."
The couple agreed and after two-and-a-half weeks, returned to the Church. When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying and the husband is obviously very depressed.
"You are back so soon...Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired.
"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month," the young man replied sadly.
The pastor asked him what happened.
"Well, the first week was difficult. However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible... anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts. One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there," admitted the man, shamefacedly.
"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.
"We know." said the young man, hanging his head, "We're not welcome at Home Depot, either."

Jez

09-06-2007, 02:27 AM

WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK...

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee, and
A 1 lb. package of bacon.

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the
cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly
stated,
'You must be single.' I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I
was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single.

I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly
unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my
marital
status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: 'Well, you know what,
you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?'

The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.'

Jez

09-06-2007, 02:28 AM

Here you go:

Haha, are we reading the same forum? I could have sworn I read that one just recently :D

Jez

09-06-2007, 02:29 AM

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette
convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the
road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind
blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing
the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror,
he saw a state trooper behind him, blue lights
flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to
100 mph, then 110, then 120.

Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old
for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's
arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the
Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift
ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give
me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before,
I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused. Then said, "Years ago, my
wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought
you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

Jez

09-06-2007, 02:30 AM

A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After approx. 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about eight times.

At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they do not eat the peanuts themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them.

"Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled.

Whereupon the old lady answers, 'We just love the chocolate around them."

Marlow

09-06-2007, 02:31 AM

Hahaha, I've seen that one but still funny.

Goodness Jez, how many do you have?

Jez

09-06-2007, 02:34 AM

Just a few more :) I'm shamelessly stealing them from another board http://www.thefalloutshelter.co.uk/forum/images/smiles/whacky084.gif

Jez

09-06-2007, 02:35 AM

Ok, how about this one? I think you were talking about a similar topic recently?

A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.

One woman lost it completely. She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, "I'm too young to die," she cried. Then she yelled, "If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man from Texas stood up in the rear of the plane.

He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time. No one moved.

He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest. She gasped... Then, he spoke... "Iron this -- and then get me a beer."

Jez

09-06-2007, 02:37 AM

>> A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains
>> without water.
>>
>>His horse has already died of thirst.
>>
>>He's crawling through the sand, certain that he is breathing his last

>>breath - when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the
sand
>>several yards ahead of him.
>>
>>He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what

>>looks to be an old brief case.
>>
>>He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.
>>
>>She is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull gray dress.
>>
>>There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked
behind one
>>ear.
>>
>>"Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have
three
>>wishes."
>>
>>"I'm not falling for this", said the cowboy. "I'm not going to trust
an
>>IRS genie."
>>
>>She smiled and said, "What do you have to lose? You've got
>>
>>no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"
>>
>>The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie
is
>>right.
>>
>>He said, "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and
>>drink."
>>
>>***POOF***
>>
>>The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever
seen. And
>>he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
>>
>>The genie said, "OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."
>>
>>"My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams."
>>
>>***POOF***
>>
>>The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with
rare
>>gold coins and precious gems.
>>
>>The genie said, "OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better
make
>>it a good one!"
>>After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... "I wish that no
>>matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."
>>
>>***POOF***
>
>>He turned into a tampon.
>>
>>
>>The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything,
there's
>>going to be a string attached